Things on My Mind

First off, I must warn those who are modest in regards of sexuality and those who are... strict or religious in their beliefs that you may find this post offensive, so please don't read it.

This is a posting of random things involving my sexuality that's just floating around in my head. I've decided to mix things up.
When I was younger, I used to think I was meant to be a man. I used to want to be a man. When I'd discovered sex, or what it's hyped up to be, I was addicted to lesbian porn. I liked straight porn too, but lesbian porn, at the time, was more appealing to me. That was before I understood I was bisexual. But the reason I wanted to be a man, honestly, was so I could get off. I really wanted release... I still want release.
I'm sure some people who read this think it's inappropriate to put this out there on the interent where anyone can get a hold of it.
I have no rebuttal to that. Society defines sexuality as inappropriate. I understand that. I've always understood that. I was raised in the red state of Texas, surrounded be religion and plus, I'm Asian. Sex is repressed. I don't think my parents have ever said the word sex to me in my 18 years of existence. Or used other words for it, like make love or something of that sort. But I'm putting this out there because it's on my mind, because I want to say something about it. You don't have to like it.
And even now, years later from my major identity issues regarding gender, I sometimes wish I was a man, but again, for the release. I'm lousy at masturbastion, otherwise, I probably wouldn't have that occasional want.
I'm a virgin, in case some of the few who read this wonder why I don't just go have sex. Though, honestly, three guys have offered to have sex with me. At the time of the offer, I wasn't in a relationship with any of them. Two of them offered just for sexual release. The third, he has true feelings of affection, both friendly and romantic.
I was surprised every single time I was offered. Not because it made me uncomfortable, or I didn't know they were like that, but because I've never understood what made me attractive to them. One of the guys was a virgin so I think he was in for just to lose his virginity to another virgin who was open about her sexuality. The other two said I was hot. Honestly, I'm overweight(by at least 50 pounds), I have skin discolorations in some odd areas(but they don't know that), but I do think I'm pretty sometimes, but that's when I'm only looking at my face. I think they might say that because of my 38C cup breasts.
The guy who has true feeling for me, I've agreed to have sex with. Not because I think he's hot, or because he's asking for it, but because I think that after wanting release for 6 years and finding someone I'm completely comfortable with, perhaps it's not so bad to do it. I know sex isn't all of what it's hyped up to be, at least not for my first time, but I hope that eventually, it will be amazing.
We'll be using condoms and I'll find my way to get on the pill, just to let the few who read this know.
Sex. I've never had it and I want it. I want him to ravage my body.
But.... let's start with my first kiss. No, I have yet to have that experience. It's sad, I know, but with him, I don't mind. You know what? Let's give him a name. Uhmm... Scott. The guy who has feelings for me and with whom I plan to have sex with, his alias is Scott.
Scott's an experienced guy. He's bisexual too. And he's a guy who tends to fall in love a lot, and even love more than one person at a time, including me. I don't have those kinds of feelings for him. I used to. More than once. But we talk more about sex than anything. I haven't seen him in all summer either. My bond with him isn't like that. Not anymore. I'm a sexual being, I know that. A romantic one, I'm not sure if I am.
I do look forward to my more intimate relationship with Scott in college. Friends with benefits is something I never thought I'd be.
I'm am such an untraditional girl.