Stress upon Stress

I've been getting horrible migraines and falling asleep in class. It's not the first time I've had such episodes. Stanley told me to go to the doctor. I'm not insured so I always held it off. However, there is a doctor's office on campus so I scheduled an appointment. I saw Dr. Shelton yesterday. It was the first time I was at the doctor's in years. In fact, the only time I absolutely know I was at a doctor for my own needs was when my mom was giving birth to me. I don't remember any other time I was at a doctor for my own needs any other time.
I spoke with the doctor about what was wrong. He was a very casual, old man. He asked if I woke up with migraines. I do. He asked me to describe my sleepy spells, if I'd lost weight, if I snore and so on. Dr. Shelton said that it could be a few things. Sleep apnea is the most likely, since I seem to fit those symptopms perfectly. Sleep apnea is when you stop breathing while you sleep. He said it could also be my thyroid slowing down and depleting. I had blood taken for some lab work.
The doctor recommended that I exercise everyday for 30 minutes and drink coffee in the mornings. So today I had a cup of joe and did an exercise DVD of my roommate's. It kind of kicked my butt but it wasn't so bad.
I see Dr. Shelton again next Thursday. I don't know what to think. If I have sleep apnea, it will cost 2-3 thousand dollars to just test. I'd have to go to a sleep lab, they'll put a bunch of patches with sensors on me and watch me sleep. And if I do diagnosed with it, I'd have to wear a mask or insert a mouthpiece to keep me breathing at night. I fit the symptoms really well.
Although, Dr. Shelton wasn't very specific with the thyroid issue either so I'm not sure what to Google when he said that. So, very possibly, I could fit those symptoms also. Who knows?
This whole "what's wrong with me?" is just adding onto me being so behind in my work. I hope to get caught up though.
Did you know that warning signs of migraines, a symptom of sleep apnea, are mood swings and craving sweet or salty foods?
Last night I got so sad I cried but not too long after, I was perfectly fine. And today I munched on salt and pepper chips.
I don't know. Maybe I'm paranoid.
I don't like not knowing. I was comfortable just thinking that it was normal, that it wasn't a big deal.
Whatever, I suppose. Nothing I can do now, no turning back. I'll have my friends and Stan on my ass if I don't follow through with this.

Swirling About in this Whirlwind

There is so much going on right now. I'm really behing on a lot of my work. Hopefully I'll be able to catch up these next two weeks. I have five posterboards to decorate in relation to various commonplaces. Ah English, you are enjoyable. At times...
I have a lot of chapters in Political Science since I stopped reading after a while. I also have reading in History to do so that I can keep up with class. I have a project in Communications to achieve, but thankfully, I have a partner to help me out with that.
So much to do and so little focus! I need help focusing because I end up going off on one of my daydreams or thoughts, but I can't seem to stay focused.
On top of that, I'm having trouble staying awake during the day, whether I thought I had a good night's sleep or not. It's becoming really hard on me to stay motivated and do my work as opposed to just going to sleep.
Hopefully, the weekend will cure it all up, I'll be rejuvenated and I'll jump right back into work.
Stan and I seem to be moving fast. We've talked about moving in together. Not seriously, but more like how much we'd like it if we didn't have to leave the bed after sex, or spending nights together or just waking up to each other. I'd love that, I really would and he wants it too. But we've only been together for a little more than a month. School is hard enough. I have such problems focusing that homework with just him texting me takes me forever. If we lived together, it'd be impossible. It's just too soon.
Also, he hopes that one day, we'd get married. Not any time soon, maybe when I finish college, but one day. I could see myself being with him, until the end of time. But still, it's really early to be thinking like that. Honestly, I've wondered if I've really found my soulmate so young. And I think I have. Logically speaking though, we still have a long ways to go before we're truly ready for married life. I'm only 18 and he's 21. I plan on getting my master's degree so I'll be 24 when I'm done with college. Then I have to find a job to support my brothers and I. Only when could I accept maybe tying the knot.
It's a long ways to go for the both of us. Maybe, though, it'll all work out.
Hopefully we stay together. I'd really like it if we did.
I couldn't imagine being with someone other than him.

Lovebirds

Friday was our one month anniversary. It's not that important to either of us really. I sent him balloons though, just to be thoughtful.
Stan came by Friday, not too long before my roommate left to go home for the weekend. Lexy, my roommate, left that afternoon. Stan and I had sex, like we normally do. And we cuddled. We kissed more than we ever had before. Sometimes he'd say his heart skipped a beat. Stan said that when you're heart skips a beat, it means you're nervous. I asked him why he was nervouse. He said that he didn't know. I knew why though. I knew he wanted to say that he loved me. I didn't tell him I suspected though. I just kissed him, hoping it'd make him feel better.
That night we used our last two condoms and then went to eat. It was already 9 o'clock at night. We went to pick up some more condoms at Walmart though. He was tired though. He told me that when he came to visit on Thursday, he fell asleep while driving. It scared me. He called his mom and let her know that he was spending the night. Not only because he was tired, but because he wanted to be with me.
We had sex one more time before falling asleep together, naked and on the floor. Well actually he had his boxers on. Around 5 AM, he went to sleep on the couch because his leg fell asleep. I stayed on the floor. When I woke up, I put my blanket on him and took a shower. When I came back, he was still sleeping. I got dressed and kissed him on the cheek. He smiled in his slumber, which made me smile. I sat next to him on the floor and started doing little abstract doodles. Stan woke up. More cuddling, sex, talking, laughing and napping. We didn't leave my dorm until 3:30 that afternoon. We left to see a movie, a scary one. There were some parts I couldn't watch. We came back to the dorm, so I could use the bathroom. Why he didn't stop at a gas station, I don't know haha, but we ended up having sex again so it didn't really matter. Both of us noticed that we felt weak. It was probably because neither of us had eaten all day, other than the popcorn at the movies. We'd finished, we cuddled and then left to eat.
I never cease to surprise him when I tell him I haven't been somewhere. Last night was my first visit to the restaurant On the Border. He took me back to my dorm. He had to go home. Still though, we sat in his truck, kissing and touching. He told me he was nervous again, that his heart skipped a beat again. I told him, as if I didn't know intuitively, that it might be because he's denying something or is afraid. After a little bit, he told me he knew why he was nervous, but he was afraid of what I'll say. We touched foreheads. We talked a bit about different things. I remember telling him that I had feelings for him before we slept together. I also remember him saying that he's afraid because of the timing, he thought it was too early in the relationship to be feeling as strongly for me as he did. He was afraid to tell me because the last time he fell in love, it hurt him so horribly. I told him it'd kill me if I hurt him like that. I moved to be closer to him and held his face as our foreheads touched. I told him that I loved him too. I told him that we don't have a normal relationship because we started out as friends with benefits, very intimate ones at that. It's different, timing is different.
It's nothing like Scott, when I was afraid to tell him those same three words, not because of nervousness, but because of doubt. Or when Scott told me those words, a negative feeling came across me.
With Stan, I just wanted to kiss him, and hold him. Later that night, we were texting and when he told me goodnight, he added at the end "I love you." I just smiled and my mood rose.

Harder Than I Thought

Balancing school and a boyfriend is hard. I suppose for me it is. I know a girl who worked, had a boyfriend, played basketball and was amazing in school. She was my valedictorian. She was beast. I think it's a good thing that I have a boyfriend and I'm in school. It was different from when I went to school with my boyfriend, I just saw them at school and that's how we bonded. Stan and I don't get to see each other all that much and that's ok. It makes handling school easier.
I kind of fell behing in my school work already but I caught up. I just have to do schoolwork every night so that I don't have to do any of it on the weekends.
Today's post though, isn't completely about Stan and college. Tonight, whilst on a date with Stan, my mother called. She called about my brother's homework. She complained that he didn't listen to her, that he doesn't understand anything she says and that he didn't tell her about his homework until tonight. I told her to give Tanner the phone. I threatened to break his laptop and hit him if he did it again. I was angry. Not completely about him, but how my mother handled it. As I spoke to my mother and brother, Stan gave me this look and stroked my arm. I hung up and he asked if I was ok. We talked a little about my mom. How she wants to leave to go back to the mother country, which she will be in 6 years, permanantly that is, how she tells my mentally challenged brother, Lance, that she hates him. Stan said that he should be happy here, with her family, not half way across the world. I looked at him and said that it was her family making her suffer. A year ago when she went to visit the mother country for the first time in about 12 years, the month before she left was the happiest I'd ever seen her in the longest.
I felt bad about not staying at home to help Tanner. He's only ten and I'm afraid he won't be raised properly by my mother. Stan told me that Tanner had me and that I just handled it. He meant it as though that I could discipline him from an hour away from the phone. I hope I can. He needs me. My mom isn't my mom anymore and my brothers aren't my brothers. All three of them are my kids now. And I'm in college trying to get the education to support them. Stan said he felt sorry for me, because I shouldn't have to take up responsibility for my brothers as if they're my kids. He said I should be happy. I think about it and I think, why can't my parents be happy too? That's why they're leaving us to go to the mother country, to go back where they were happiest.
I shed some tears right there in the restaurant. It was the first time I cried in front of him, other than tears of laughter. After we left, we leaned against his truck and talked a little more. I started crying again. On the drive back to my dorm, he made me laugh like crazy. We hung out in my dorm and we laughed even more. I felt better.
I think Stan still worries about me, because of my family situation. But he didn't leave until he was sure I was ok.
He is the sweetest to me.
Even so, I really wish I wasn't the mother of three.

Unexpected Luck

Well, luck isn't supposed to be expected but whatever haha. Stan's been gone a week now. He ended up flying home last week. Not on good news though. His mom had health problems and was in the hospital so he and his dad came back to see her. She's going to be ok though. I'm not exactly sure what happened but all I know is that she was in the hospital because she was passing blood. The hospital ran tests and all that and treating her now. She's all good.
Stan came by to see me. I now have a roommate(she came in pretty late, she missed three days of class) so we couldn't do anything naughty. Instead, we were pretty intimate. There was music playing, and if we knew the words, which wasn't often, we'd sing along. A song came on that we both liked. We're sitting on the couch, I'm on top straddling him and we're just kinda singing along, mumbling the parts we don't know or just talking. But of course, we know the chorus. Towards the middle and end of the song, we got closer together, touched our foreheads and sang the chorus:
"But I won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait
I'm yours"-Jason Mraz "I'm Yours"
The whole time during those three lines, we're just staring in each other's eyes,
And we kissed. It just screamed romantic.
I like our romantic moments. It makes it all more special. He's my first serious boyfriend. I never really realized it until my second eldest sister said it.
The things we say to each other are very lovey dovey, and we haven't even been going out very long. It's kind of ironic I suppose, considering how we started.
I worry though. We didn't start off slow. We started off as friends with benefits then became girlfriend and boyfriend. What else is there now? I think I'm worrying too much. Things are great as they are. Being so far away kind of helps. Even though he's staying in state, he still lives an hour and a half away from my dorm. He doesn't mind the drive though, it's nothing like driving 1,300 or 23 hours because of work.
I like just being with him though. I like the laughter, the sex, the teasing, the kissing. We had our first night of passionate sex. Well, passionate in comparison to our other nights. It was rougher too. It was great. We're getting more adventurous. We're becoming more open about things too, not just sex. He'd tell me random things he'd just noticed. Today he told me out of the blue that he just realized that he smiles every time he gets a text from me. He doesn't know that I want every text I get, I want to be from him.
Do I sound like an idiot in love?
Because that'd be a bit odd.
I think that I'll stick with the term, lovebirds. He's already said we sound like a couple love birds. I love it.
I think that if someone consistently thinks that they're lucky to have someone and the other thinks the same of that person, you're in a good place. I always think I'm lucky to have him. He's said to me that he's lucky to have me. He only needs to say it once to me though. I remember. I have the sound of his voice saying it engraved into my mind. It makes me smile.
Anywho.....
College isn't so bad. I need to stop doing my homework last minute though. I need to be doing my homework now actually. I have a lot of stuff due for English tomorrow. I also have some problems for Calculus due. Off to do homework! -sigh-

He's Far Away

He's more than 1,000 miles away now. And in another time zone. It makes me miss him. Stan keeps asking why I stare at him sometimes. Like when he's holding me or after we kiss, I would look at him. He'd ask, "What?" in this gentle, curious way. And I, as he describes, cutely respond, "Nothing." I told him I'd tell him in person why I stare at him. Mind you, he stares at me too, the difference is that he tells me. In response, he usually tells me I'm cute, or beautiful, or just to mock me, he'd say "nothing" as well. Apart from that latter, when he says things like that to me, I can't help but modestly smile. I don't really know why I stare at him. I just like to. His face is there and I like to look at him. He's so sweet and nice to me. He makes me happy. I like looking at the person who makes me smile. It's like an instant calm for me I suppose. Looking at those lips that kiss me, talk to me, laughs with me and sometimes at me. And his nose, with which he gives me eskimo kisses. Those eyes that gaze back at me when I stare at him. I really love his big brown eyes. Haha speaking of big brown eyes, when he says I look up at him, he says my eyes get big. I can't help but joke that it's impossible since I'm Asian. He thinks it's so cute when I look up at him like that, with my eyes apparently getting bigger. Stan says I look sweet and innocent, only making the naughty side of me more surprising. He's the only one to tell me these things. I find it fascinating what he thinks of me. Yes, because he's my boyfriend, but I've always had a fascination with what people think of me, how I'm perceived and it makes me happy knowing that he's honest and open with me.
I remember the first time we showered together. The air of pure nervousness that enveloped us. I was beneath the showerhead, facing him. He was staring at me. He had this sweet look that had nervous written all over it. His big eyes gazing at me, his curly hair all matted down because it was wet. His stubble more apparent in the lighthing. That image of him is burned into my mind. It's my favorite image of him. I remember reaching up and playing with his hair. He softly asked me "What?" I replied that he was cute with his hair wet. Good times
In addition to my addiction to staring at him, I like smelling him too. I suppose it's because when I'm close to him, he always smells nice, be it pure sweaty pheromones or aftershave. It seems kind of creepy that I love the way he smells though haha, but I can't really help it. He likes to stare at me, taking how I look in, I like to take his scent it. The difference is that his smell is just temporary. He can remember what I look like and think about it. It's hard to remember a scent in a similar way. He finds my love of his smell both creepy and flattering. He's a silly boy like that. But I do like that silly boy.
To make up for the absence of each other, we text. A lot. We would probably text more if he had better reception in the middle of nowhere. And at night, when the both of us have unlimited minutes, he'd call. He stays up late for me, because he's an hour ahead of me. I've never even met someone like him and I'm lucky to have him as my boyfriend. He's so giving to me and sacrificing. I fear that he gives too much to me sometimes. He doesn't think so. He like spoiling me, since he has money. He likes to treat me well. He doesn't need to with money, at least. He spoils me plenty just with his words. He takes his sleeping time just to talk to me. I can't stop him from being nice to me. I sometimes want him to not be so nice because I think it's too much sometimes. Too much in a good way. I think he gives me too many compliments, too much time, spends too much money(I'm not an expensive date btw, $20 spent on me is about my limit).
He's not even here and he distracts me from my college work already. My sister says that it's good that he'll be gone for my first month college. So that I can get fully adjusted without any issues. It's only been a few days since he's been gone and he says he already misses me like crazy and is ready to come home. I'd love for him to come back, cuddle with him, spend nights together and take trips together, like we talk about on the phone. At the same time, I'll never get my schoolwork done haha. But that's my problem. Oh well. I'll get to it!
Now... to do homework....

Sad Day.... And Good Day

Stan helped me pack up for my dorm. I'm pretty much all done. A little more prep work to do, but I'm done for the most part. When we'd gotten done putting everything into my room, we cuddled and talked. Kissed a lot. Every time we kissed, I didn't want it to stop. And every time I did, he told me I gave him this look of wanting more. I did want more. My roommate hasn't made any contact or moved in at all. I wanted to have sex in my dorm room. One last time before he left for work for three works. Minimum. It didn't happen. And I suppose it's ok that we didn't. We didn't have any condoms and there was no guarantee that my roommate wouldn't just walk in on us. And she has yet to come by by the way. I did give him his birthday present though. I gave him a blowjob until he came. And I swallowed. He later told me I was so good at head that the head of his dick was still sore hours later. I was kind of proud of that. I was happy to give him, what he said, the best present he'd ever gotten. I'd brushed my teeth and we kissed. We spent another hour or so with me straddling him and just kissing, talking, laughing. He had to leave because his mom called. He lives an hour away from me now. I didn't want him to leave. I wanted his arms around me. I wanted his eyes staring at me like he always does. I don't like the thought of him being away for a month. Without his touch. Without him to kiss me or make me laugh and hearing him laugh. And sex. I'll miss the sex.
We haven't been dating long, but in the last two relationships, I always was unsure of how they felt about me. With Stan, I don't have that issue. I know how he feels. He tells me all the time. And he tells me without me having to say it first. Heck, a lot of the time he says it out of the blue. With him, I'm a lot more at ease. I'm not worrying about what to do to make him like me more or find me more attractive. He tells me I'm cute, tells me that he loves making me laugh. I always tell him he's sweet. I suppose though I should tell him all the kind things I say about him here. Like how even though he thinks he's not that strong(in comparison to some of the guys he works with), his guns are plenty for me. How much I like just looking at his face, his lips, eyes, stubble. This blog is making me miss him more.
I'll stop here before I start feeling sad. I yearn for him enough.

It's Been Too Long

My internet has been out so I've been unable to post anything since. I've just gotten it fixed and it's time I've updated you.
Sex with Scott was odd because emotionally, I wanted to lose my virginity to Stan. However Scott's more experienced. Apparently, I'm very small so it was incredibly painful. Scott knew what to do because of his experience. But when he was on top, he tended to put his face over my shoulder, kind of burying it into the pillow. When he did this, I felt awkward and kind of unwanted or not so pretty. We didn't really talk for the whole 40 minutes. We weren't even naked. I still had my bra on and he kept his shirt on. I felt weird. Afterwards, we ate at Waffle House and he took me home.
I felt very unfulfilled. I wasn't worried about having and orgasm or anything. I just felt like if Stan had Scott's experience, I would've chosen Stan in a heartbeat. At times, I feel like a whore when I think about this but I admit that just hours after Scott dropped me off, Stan picked me up to have sex. I lost my virginity twice that day. With Scott, it was just a warm up, to... stretch me I suppose. With Stan, I felt comfortable. There was foreplay before clothes came off. We could talk during it all. Some times we even laughed during sex because something awkward happened. That night with him was amazing. I was on top, leaning over Stan. I asked why was he staring(he stares at me a lot, not just during sex, but I always ask why). He told me I was beautiful. I just smiled at him. The whole hour we were having sex, he looked at me. He tried to please me, which he succeeded. He uttered compliments to me. I didn't feel so small and exposed anymore. We showered together again. We ended up having to use mouthwash because of the oral sex we'd performed on each other haha. But then we kissed. A lot. And after, we cuddled. It was very intimate. Very nice. Even though at the time we were just friends with benefits, I liked him very much and I liked him holding me. Stan had told me that if I ever found a guy in college that satisfied me more than him, he'd kick their ass. I couldn't help but laugh. He drove me home that night. He didn't want me getting in trouble. He held my hand. He was the first guy to hold hands with me. And I felt very relaxed and happy with that.
We've had sex a few more times since and Scott and I haven't talked much since my deflowering. However, nowadays, Scott and I are merely friends. No benefits. I feel much more at ease with that decision.
This past Sunday, Stan and I were hanging out at my sister's place. My sister and brother in law were talking in their room. Stan and I were in the living room with my nephew hanging out. We were cuddling most of the time. I was sitting between his legs on the floor and I'd told him I'd never been on a date before. He nudged me forward, and turned me so he could look me in the eyes. He asked, "Really?" I nodded. He then decided that we were going on a date the next day. He took me to a Mexican restuarant where we laughed. Then we went for a long drive to a certain part of this town where everything was kept as it was 200 years ago. It was a tiny square with stores and a little motel. He put his arm around me, and I him, and we walked around the square, talking and laughing. He loves making me laught and I love laughing. We kissed sometimes. No tongue, not on the first date. Afterwards, he took me to Sonic where we got some ice cream. Out of habit, he took me to his home, where we've had sex quite a bit for two people who'd just lost their virginity. Or in my opinion at least. We cuddled. We kissed. I played tease. He played pussy whipped. Or that's how he puts it at least. We'd agreed that we'd have to restrain ourselves, him more than me, from having sex on the first date. Even though we'd done it plenty. We kissed while lying on his bed, only making sex more tempting. On the ride home, I stroked his face, feeling the stubble. We'd agreed that we needed to talk. If we're friends with benefits who act like we're dating, or if we're actually dating.
Two nights ago, we had sex. Again. And we were cuddling watching Sons of Anarchy. There were times he had to cover my eyes because of the gore. We had a short discussion on our status. We both knew that neither of us want a long distance relationship. I'm going to college in just a few days. He's leaving for Pennsylvania in a week or 2 because of work. He'll be gone for 3 weeks. Despite that, I wanted to try. He was ok with that. He kissed me, chuckled and called me his girlfriend.
Today, his parents come home from their work trip. So we don't get to see each other just about everyday. He doesn't have the same freedom.
Nonetheless, writing long blog entries about him make it ok because I can savor the good times.

Promiscuity. I'm full of it.

I am a huge flirt and tease.
I've always known that, but today, I've learned how much of one I am while wresting in bed, fully clothed mind you, with a guy named Stanley. He's my brother in law's friend. He and I have met a couple times and dare I say, I feel more comfortable with him than Scott, which I thought was impossible.
He'd invited me to go swimming in his parents' pool. It was only he and I, when usually it's us, my sister and brother in law. He and I swam, talked a little. At one point, closer to the end, I'd taken my glasses off and set them on the edge of the pool and he was playing me, trying to keep me from getting them, I'd jumped up trying to get over him and get my glasses. I felt something I'd never felt bafore. He had a woody. He claimed it was random. I don't know what to think. I've been told men sometimes had random boners, but the rest of the day, he seemed to have at least a slight erection. Then again, that might be purely because of me.
Afterwards, he'd gone into his room to just lie down. He was tired. I laid in bed with him, but a ways away. I had then told him I'd stolen the keys to his car and I wrestled him in his bed. He tried to get back his car keys and I was writhing in his bed, trying to keep them from him. He found it exciting, sexually. I thought it was fun, fun in general...mostly. Even though it was pretty physical and I was being a tease, he was very gentlemanly. He apologized if he accidentally touched me on my private parts and trying to manuver me around without hurting me. He kept asking why. I told him "why not?" or "Because it's fun." There were a few times where I would graze his erection. Usually I didn't say anything, but he always apologized.
There were times he and I would just meet eyes and stop for a second. He finally got them back and I'd made him much more tired, but whatever icebergs floated around after the ice had broken(pool incident) were almost gone. There were times when he'd look at me, smile and softly grunt. I asked him why he did that and I don't remember exactly what he said, but I think it was amusement of how I teased him but he wasn't going to get any from me. It seemed to me that it was a mixture of want, disappointment and amusement. We just laid back and relaxed.
At some point, I then I stole his wallet and the whole thing started again, but once I stuck his wallet down my shirt, he wasn't so apologetic for feeling me up afterwards. Not that I minded anyways. I have a great judge of character and I've known pretty much from the start that I could trust him. He asked what he needed to do to get his wallet back. I told him to think creatively. In the end, he just asked for them back and I returned it. Stan and I just relaxed a bit, talked about my turn ons and that. Now, all the icebergs were gone. We laid in close proximity to each other. I always had a pillow and he would try to take them away. When I closed my eyes in relaxation, he made a comment about how my eyes seemed to disappear when I closed them. I wasn't really offended, but I just hid my eyes from him in jest. He tried to get me to stop, but I turned my head around. He then made a comment about my grey hairs and I apologized that I can't cover my whole head. Stan suggested to put a bag over it. Then I buried my head into the pillow. I played pouty, even though he said I had a cute face. The third time I stole something for which we wrestled, we talked about actually having sex in the lulls between him trying to get his truck keys this time. The way I bit my lip and pursed them together, he could tell I was nervous. He asked what he could do to make me feel better. I told him I didn't know. He asked if he should stop flirting. I told him it wouldn't matter because I'd flirt anyways. He gave me this look that I couldn't really explain to you. A look of understanding I suppose. I probably apologized to him more than flirt when I told him I wasn't going to have sex with him. It's that that I didn't want to, it's just that the night before, he and I were at my sister's place for dinner and Stan and I were going home. My brother in law suggested Stan take me to his place and we go have sex. My sister said no. She didn't say why. She just said no. That held me back. I wanted to know why. I wanted to talk to her about it. I still do because I haven't talked to her about it.
He'd retrieved his keys and that was the last time I stole anything in bed. We just relaxed and talked. We played around. We played strip poker. I got to my underwear and that was my limit. He'd won and was happy about seeing me almost naked. We put away the cards and I put on his shirt. He looked at me with a smile and told me he'd always thought it was cute when girls put on guys' shirts. So I was lying in his bed with nothing but my panties and his huge shirt on next to him. He told me that it sucked, being a virgin, lying next to a hot chick who's half naked and not being able to get laid. I told him I was sorry. I really was. I wanted to, but I was so nervous. And it didn't help that my sister said no.
He told me he was going to take a shower since his hair felt dirty. Mine did too. He invited me into the shower. I later learned he was joking... after we'd already showered together. He was walking out of the bathroom, letting the water warm up and saw me coming with my clothes. He later told me he was nothing short of surprised. We washed our hair and stood awkwardly around. He was so nervous. It was completely obvious. Me? He seemed to think I'd done it before, the way I took it all in a stride. Honestly, I stayed under the showerhead to let the water wash over me to calm me down. I told him that I was scared. Well he put it scared shitless. Stan said that he was so nervous, he didn't have a boner even though he was standing in a shower with a hot ass chick. Later, he looked at me, staring. I felt small and exposed. Sometimes I would meet his eyes and smiled a little. He said "You're pretty, you know that?" My first instinct was to shake my head. I have such a low confidence. He gave me this earnest look and said that I am. I murmured a thank you and stuck my head in the warm water, washing it over my face, trying to get my heart from beating so furiously. I messed with his hair a little and said, kind of softly, that his hair looked cute when it was wet. He was adorable in the shower, with that look he kept giving me, hair wet and the lighting too. Stan compared height. I'm a good 6 inchest shorter than him. He commented that if he was going to kiss me, he'd have to squat down a little. I replied that I could get on my toes, and demonstrated. He leaned in for a kiss. It was awkward because he had a very different style than Scott. He pulled back and looked at me. He then exclaimed at the realization that I was on my toes. I couldn't help but laugh. We kissed again. I was in this state of fear. My hands were on the front of his shoulders. I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think he set his hands on me, so as to not make me feel more nervous than I already was. Or he was too nervous to do so. He doesn't remember, but he stuck his tongue in my mouth. And the reason we stopped making out was because I apparently bit him. I didn't mean to. I didn't even know that I did. I think I seemed more fearful than I was because he then said that we could get out if I wanted. I meekly nodded. Stan thought it was funny how I covered up. I told him that I always would because of my modesty.
We stood in the bathroom, in the cool air and tried to not be so nervous. As he left to change, and I changed in the bathroom. When I was fully dressed, I sat on a stool and did some deep breathing. Just as I was leaving, he was arriving to check up on me since I was in there for a while. He and I were unlucky enough to have our mothers call us while we were both still so scared. I was able to play it off. Steven had a harder time it seemed. We laid on the floor, because I didn't feel like lying on the bed. I told him I was hungry and I got waffles. We cuddled on the couch. We talked a little. He felt me up a little.
I'd stolen his car keys again and he pushed me against the couch, trying to get them back. He'd paused and looked at me. Then he fell off the couch. I sat down on the floor with him, sticking his keys in my pocket. He insisted that I at least give him a blowjob or handjob. I didn't say no. I just laughed and looked at him. The no was in my lack of an answer. I was lying on my back and he leaned against my breast, saying it was like a soft pillow. He kissed it and it happened to be in my nipple which I found so surprising I arched my back a bit. He was surprised by that. He, intrigued, stuck his and up my shirt and bra. He rubbed my nipple and I arched my back a lot against his touched. He said that it seemed orgasmic the way I reacted. And that I must like him a lot to let him do all that to me.
I was about to miss my curfew so he was speeding to get me home in time. We got pulled over. Stan told him that he was trying to get me home before I get grounded. The officer told him that it'd be easier to explain why I got grounded than why I got hurt in an accident. The officer left our window back to his car. I told him I was sorry that I'd gotten him a ticket. Stan said that it was ok, it wasn't my fault. I said that if I weren't here, it wouldn't have happened. He shrugged and said that if I'd gotten hurt, it would be bad. The simplicity in the way he worded it, the earnest tone he had, it spoke to me. He cared. We ended up getting off the hook for going 83 in 60 mph area(he'd actually hit 130 but since he was weaving in traffic, it was harder to get him on radar). He seemed the luckiest guy in the world, even though he didn't get laid.
Stanley is a completely different man than Scott. I don't know if I love Scott. I don't know if I'm in love. I don't know anything anymore. But I'll be seeing Scott tomorrow... today actually... so maybe I'll know more once we set together and bond again. And have sex. I'm scheduled to lose my virginity today. And tomorrow, I'll be seeing Stan, so he can lose his virginity to me. And my story to my sisters is that I lost mine to him. Scott is a complete secret to my family.
Ah the complexity of promiscuity.

Word Vomit Whilst on an Emotional Rollercoaster

Lately, I've been on a poetry binge. Pouring so much of myself into these poems. I posted a particular poem called Screw You and I got a response from a woman, Serah. You kind of have to read the poem for some of this to make sense, or so I imagine. As a person of logic, I find it hard to see emotion is text. As a poet, I find it easy to put my emotions into words. To others, my poetry seems far more powerful than it does to me, but I suppose I'm not the only person to feel that way. Serah told me that from that poem, she sensed that my sense of peace is tied to my lover, to Scott. When I read that, I stopped for a second. I'm sure that reading my previous posts could tell you the same, but she got it from one poem. She also told me to keep what I have with him alive. If it's movies, watch movies together, if it's eating pizza together, do that. And when I read that, I had to stop and think, what do Scott and I have? What is it that bonds us together? We don't really have that. So far, we just have sex, and we haven't even had sex with each other yet. Sometimes, when he's horny or fantasizing, he'll tell me what he imagines doing to me. I kind of like it honestly, but it seems like we talk about that more than most anything else. He told me that he just wants to be with me, but that the desire tends to manifest itself into sex.
I can understand that.
Yesterday, in my sorrow, I posted a status on my facebook, which I later turned into a word vomit. What a word vomit is, is a ramble or sorts, it's a daily practice of writing. You write whatever you want, vomiting out your thoughts into words. It's something I'm going to do on the days I don't write a poem, or so I hope. The purpose of the word vomit is to lose structure, and connect with your words emotionally, allowing flow from your heart to your words.
The word vomit read:
"I feel like a little kid playing with a toy that's broken, but I don't know that it is. I just keep banging at it and tweaking it trying to make it work. Why won't it work?, I whine. Eventually, someone will throw it away. I'll cry because I loved that toy, even if it didn't work anymore. I'll still wonder why it didn't work. Did it need batteries? Was a screw loose? Does it matter? I still love that broken toy.
I wanted to keep it. Keep it with me forever. Who cares if it didn't work? The memories would be enough. I miss it. That broken toy. I wish it was here. So I could apologize for not protecting it. Not playing with it anymore.
I'm sorry, my broken toy."
Scott read my status, which was just the first paragraph, and he told me that he wasn't a broken toy. For some reason I thought it was ironic he said that, and I wanted to know what he thought of me calling him a broken toy, even though I didn't mean it that way, and telling him that I loved him in a facebook status.
I told him that I wasn't calling him a broken toy. It was a reference to our relationship. The broken toy was our dysfunctional relationship. He asked me how was it dysfunctional. I lied and told him that it was me, my inability to understand my emotions in relation to my logical mind and how they clash, which stresses me out. Granted, that isn't a lie, but it wasn't the whole truth in answer to his question. Only half. The other half is that I hate how he keeps secrets and how incredibly vague he is when I crave details. Especially in a situation as complicated as ours, I just want to be able to know and understand everything. I could beg him to explain things, but it will be general, vague, "big picture," and unspecified. And I would be left unsatisfied.
Trust me, I know, because he then had to explain why our plans yesterday got cancelled. He intended to break up with his new girlfriend. I finally learned that he never stopped dating the previous girlfriend, the one who he told me he wouldn't leave for anyone. The only reason he was with this new girl was because she's in love with him, and he could tell how miserable she was. He wanted to make her happy, so he began a relationship with her, whilst dating his previous girlfriend and having me on the side. Insane, is it not?
When he tried to break up with her, he couldn't do it. She pleaded with him, begged him not to leave her, he told me the look in her eyes, the fear, crippled him. I didn't know what to say. He still plans on leaving her, but he has to find a new way that won't hurt her so much. I asked him that when he broke up with her, what would happen then. He told me that he would eventually marry his previous girlfriend, the one too fragile to leave on her own, then one he can't leave. I sent him a sad face. He seemed confused. He thought that it was understood that even though we have something, he can't leave her. I knew this, I know this. I just want him to be happy. And that's what I told him. In response, he told me that that's the reason he has me.
On my emotional rollercoaster yesterday, I was so deeply negative, I wanted to add salt to the wound. I posted a status asking people to tell me if I've ever wronged them, if I've ever disappointed them. In my negativity, I, for some reason, just want to dig deeper into the sorrow, to sulk in all I've done wrong. No one commented. Who would? Scott told me, in chat, that he wasn't disappointed in me. That I made him happy. He said that I don't have to feel for him anymore than I do and that I don't have to tell him what I feel. He told me that our relationship wasn't a broken toy, that I'll see that it isn't and to keep my chin up.
Honestly, all I wanted was a hug from him. I find that hugs are the most comforting thing in the world and that it was all I wanted. But I couldn't have it and that only made me more sad.
Somehow, I am able to make him happy. I seem to be his escape from his fragile women. And yet, I seem to be the least satisfied. I'm unsure what to make of this. I have to be patient, I suppose. In two or three weeks, we'll be leaving for college together anyways, so if not now, it will be then.

Things Just Keep Changing

I don't confide my relationship with Scott with anyone other than whomever reads this stupid blog of mine and of course, Scott. I fear judgement. People want monogamy and they think other people should want it. Hell, sometimes I want it, but most times, it doesn't bother me, so long as it isn't a secret.
I dislike not knowing how he feels about the other women in his life. Yes, women. We had a meeting of sorts planned today. I'm unsure if you'd call it a date. Yesterday, I'd asked him if it was or not. He said that if it was, he'd have three girlfriends. I asked him who the third was. He told me that it'd be me. I'm utterly confused. And honestly, I don't want to think of myself as his girlfriend. I don't really want to be just his. I don't know if he expects monogamy from me, I bet he does, but I just don't think that's fair of him, if he does that is. I'm obviously not getting monogamy from him, so how can I think of myself as his girlfriend? We're lovers. In college, if I get asked out on a date and the guy is likeable, why not? It's not a relationship, it's just a date. If there's a second date, why not? I'd like my first date, considering the thing today with Scott got cancelled. A month or so ago, Scott apologized to me for not being able to be with everyone and love everyone(by everyone, I mean everyone he loves/cares for), like he wants to. Things have changed since then. He told me that he loves me, just the other day. I didn't say it back, because I've always wondered if I'm capable of loving someone else. I think I am, and I also think that that's good enough for me, because I think I love him too, but I have no intention on telling him until I figure out how to deal with the sadness. The sadness of being a secret. The sadness of knowing that he keeps secrets. The sadness of the lack of monogamy, because polygamy is so much more annoying and complicated. Monogamy is easier to deal with.
Right now I'm really sad I don't get to see him today, because last night he got to make out with his new girlfriend, granted he told me that she wasn't that great of a kisser, but still, she got to spend time with him. Last Saturday, I saw a shooting star. I only wished for happiness. It's vague, but in that wish, I thought of Scott. I don't care if you're not supposed to tell what you wished for, because at the moment, the exact opposite has happened. I'm not sad because I'm jealous. I'm sad because I never get to see him. Since graduation, I've only seen him once. It's not his fault today got cancelled, but I can't help but feel sad.
He can't wait for college, so he can hold me in public and call me his. I can't call him mine, because it's not true. It doesn't seem fair, but it's not so unfair that it bothers me. It's how I knew our relationship would be, from the start.
I hope no one thinks I'm desperate enough to cling to a polygamous guy just to get laid and have all those experiences girl dream about, kissing, dating, spending time together. I'm not. I just want to be with the guy I've always really cared about, the only guy I know I can be completely open with. But we just keep missing each other somehow. And yeah, it's not normal, how this all came about, but there's no such thing as normal.

Birthday Boy

Today is Scott's birthday. He's still off on vacation. Since the last time we talked, as discussed in the previous post, we haven't spoken since, until today. I told him happy birthday, since I thought it'd be rude not to, even though he didn't remember mine and I don't think I even told him when my birthday was so he has an excuse. He'd told me that his birthday wouldn't be all that fun since he'd be in a car nearly all day. To brighten his day a bit, I decided to send him a picture of me making a funny face, I was biting my lip in it since he said that it's sexy when people bit their lip, granted my expression wasn't all that sexy. His new girlfriend posted on facebook what she had gotten him. A hershey's kiss. Really kind of cute, but again, in my head, it didn't bother me. My heart was beating heart again though. I hate how it's not matching up.
I really don't think I'm jealous of her. I feel bothered. I'm incredibly indecisive with just about everything, but mostly of my emotions. But I don't feel any emotions. I'm not sad, worried, regretful, angry, annoyed. Just bothered.
Some of the ideas I have that pop up into my head seem spiteful. Scott has a thing for the school girl outfit. I had the thought to imitate the look, post it as my profile picture, just to bait him. However I don't have the camera or the clothes so it was a useless thought of mine.
I'm insane aren't I? Clinging to a taken guy who believes that one shouldn't be "taken" until marriage? And I'm not even into long term relationships. I couldn't really stand it. I get bored too easily. But then again, I'm still friends with people I've known for years. Honestly, I've only been in two relationships, I really can't be experienced enough to know exactly what I want and don't want.
I really don't know where to turn from here. I honestly don't mind being with him while he's with another girl, but I think the condition is that I need to know how he feels about her. At the moment, I have no idea how he feels about her. You might say that he obviously likes her otherwise he wouldn't be in the relationship with her, but you could very well be wrong. He didn't leave the other girlfriend because of her fragility. It depressed him how he couldn't leave her, I mean he truly cared and probably loved her, but in the end, he probably didn't love her the the way he did initially.
I know very well that his heart gets torn up a lot, because he tends to like(more than likely, love) more than one girl at once. Heck, when he and I were dating, he liked another girl. My last boyfriend was like that too. I can't say that I understand it, because I'm not as passionate as he is. I can't say that I love anyone, because to me, love should be passionate, but I'm not passionate towards my family, or my friends. I get easily upset with them, but I don't think that proves much with my temper. Back to the point though, I do have a tendency to like more than one guy at a time, but I wouldn't say love, and I wouldn't say that I passionately like them either. I've probably felt the most passionate about Scott, and you see where that's gotten me. A first kiss and a lot of laughs, and a bit of emotional turmoil, but live and let live.
Que sera sera.

Cometh Thine Downfall

Honestly, I don't know if the title for this is grammatically correct, but I'm sure you get the gist of what I mean. If you don't know what thine means, that's ok, I don't either. Stupid to use it, I know, and yet, I'm ok with it.
At this moment, I'm unsure of what to feel. I've said time and time again that with Scott, it's complicated. Well, it just got worse. He's in new relationship. I got to find out via facebook. I didn't say anything about it. I just glanced over it and accepted that it happened. I was completely unaware such a thing was a possibility, not that he can't have a girlfriend, but this particular girl, it too was complicated between the two of them. Well, from what I understand. I debate if I should leave what we have this very moment, a friendship, exactly how and what it is. When I first saw it on facebook, my head was calm and cool. My heart was beating harder than normal. The first thing I did was change my status to something calm and somewhat upbeat, but I wanted out. I wanted to turn off my computer and leave. Still though, my head was cool. I didn't turn off my computer because my status was about jumpstarting my creativity, so I decided to start drawing. I found an image online and tried to imitate it. Soon enough, Scott had the gall to IM me(it's how we normally talk, so those of you who can't stand people who are impersonal as such, it's not impersonal to us) that we needed to talk, but in parenthesis, he said not to be afraid. I asked, "What about?" He replied that I should check my facebook. I didn't need to, obviously. I said that I'd seen it. He replied that I shouldn't think anything of it and that all will be revealed.
My mind was still calm, but that should've infuriated me. I despise vagueness. I simply replied "ok," and that was it. I went on drawing and he was probably talking to his new girl. The sad thing about IM is that the emotion doesn't come across so well. I don't know what emotion I was feeling because my head rules over my heart, yet my head was calm, my heart was beating like crazy, I wanted to turn off my computer, but I was still cool as a cucumber. I don't understand what I felt because my mental state, emotional state, physical reaction and conscious actions seem to all contradict.
I don't understand how he can expect me not to think anything of it. When he comes back from his vacation, I suppose I'll ask him to explain it. I have an issue with confrontation and I lack initiative. Still though, I need to be frank with him. I need to know what exactly happened, with no vagueness, with complete details and specifics and I also need him to know that I'm unsure of what to feel. I need him to know that perhaps it's best we stay friends, where the benefits are nonsexual.
I think it's wrong to say you'll do something, and then change your mind or not do it, unless of course you have a credible reason. That's part of the reason I've agreed to have sex with him, because I said I'd like to make out with him and that it's ok that he touch/fondle me during, also that it'd be ok for him to take it farther, if I was comfortable with it of course. That was before any of the real friends with benefits/affair thing was serious though. I say all this because he told me that he wouldn't leave his girlfriend for anyone. Here he is, gallivanting with a new girlfriend. I'm clueless as to what happened, but ironically, I don't feel betrayed. He had one girlfriend, left her for someone else and here I am, just the friends with benefits to be. Or, at least that's how I see it. Scott gave me nothing to aid me in seeing this from his point a view.
Yes, that's why it was complicated with Scott, he had a girlfriend at the time. Now he has a new one.
He's not a player. He believes that one isn't "taken" until they're married. I think that I'm a bit promiscuous so it didn't bother me so much, but this is... I don't even know the word for it. I'm not angry, betrayed. I'm bothered by it, but not annoyed. Unsettled perhaps is the word. I suppose it's because usually he'd talk to me. I suppose he only talks to me about what he's feeling in regards about me. He didn't talk much about his old girlfriend, but because I felt that it was a sore subject, ergo I never brought it up and he hardly ever did. I suppose the openness we have/had with each other meant only how I feel about him and he I, no one else was pertinent. That's how it was in regards of his old girlfriend and I suppose that how it'll be of his new one. I know little of her, less of how their relationship suddenly came to be, other than I'm not supposed to "think anything of it."
I find that I have completely different writing style whilst I'm in a negative mood. It tends to be a bit more elegant, or from my point of view at least. I feel tingling down my back and arms. It's usually what I feel when experiencing emotional turmoil. How dreadful... I still don't know what I feel, other than unsettled.
I'm left at an unease by someone I've always felt a connection with.
I fear all my plans for college may be foiled.
Perhaps 'tis best this way.
I must learn that Scott's life is his own. It will never be truly intertwined with my own because I highly doubt we'd ever marry. I'm not the marrying type, or so I think as of this moment.
He's his own person. I am my own person. I cannot help but cling though. I always hold onto people who make me happy. Could you blame me?
I set here, typing away. I think it's time to break away from Scott. I hope I'm not speaking too soon, but I'll put away my phone, not go on facebook or any program where I can IM. Time to live and let live.
I change my mind. I'm annoyed now. I'm slightly pissed. I should be more passionate than this, but I suppose I'm saving it up for when/if he explains himself to me.

Craving Something More

I vehemently believe that I'm not creative.
I can create things that no one can seem to imitate or even comprehend how it's done, but I don't see it as creativity.
Click here to see my art gallery.
I only call it art because other people do. Art should make you stop and stare at it, even if it's only a second. It should make your eyes wander over it. I don't think my art does that. It makes people say "Oh that's cool," and move on. It's only "cool" because I'm their friend and because they've probably never seen anything like it. I need to learn how to create my visions into a reality. Photoshop is something I'm pretty good at, but I'm not that talented. I know enough though. Even so, I don't have the patience to learn how to draw in photoshop. I'm one to take shortcuts.
My poetry is ok, I suppose. I keep hearing that it captures emotion well, or something of that sort, but it's not exactly what I feel. If anything, my emotion is understated. I could be feeling a fiery rage enough to light my keyboard on fire, but as I type my poetry, it's just a bit more than a smolder in my poetry.
However, how are my readers to know that? In my poetry, that's what it seems that I'm feeling.
I seem to lack the ability to translate what I see in my head to something I've created. It's my own fault for not trying harder. For not doing more to learn how to do this or that. However, I've learned that I'm not so bad at drawing a woman's profile, of their face that is. Shading is my weak point. To the untrained eye, you don't even notice it. To someone who knows art, well they can tell you that there needs to be more contrast and more shading.
I crave to do something less abstract, something more meaningful. Something I'd be proud to show someone. Is it sad that I've been getting more and more ashamed of my abstract art? That I've become less and less fulfilled with it?
If you talk to any artist who can draw something they see in a room in 10 minutes, they probably wouldn't see much fulfillment in it either. It was just a quick sketch to them. To others, it's detailed and captured the image perfectly. For me, every single one of those abstract artpieces took me about 10 minutes, some times more and most times less, and I find it frustrating that it's not the kind of art I want to create, but it's the only kind I'm good at.
Is it obvious I'm self pitying? I really can't help it. It's one of my character flaws. One of the many.
I ramble about the same old stuff don't I?
If not Scott, then college, if not college, than friends, if not friends than family, if not family than art.
Sometimes drivers ed too.
I suffer a life of monotony.
It could be worse. It could be a life of hardship.

Prevention of Insanity

So, I asked my older sister to help me get birth control. She doesn't know my sensual my side all that well. I choose not to tell my family a lot. However, she was cool with it. I suggested the pill. She suggested the shot or an IUD. If you aren't familiar with and IUD, one example is Mirena. It's a T-shaped device that's inserted. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but it's 99.9% effective for 5 years at preventing pregnancy.
I'm not sure which one we'll end up going on, but I'm glad she's cool with it. Even though I lied to her as to why I wanted it. My excuse was rape. I've told my family that I'm celibate, planning to never get married or have sex. I really don't plan on getting married. I don't think it's for me. However, sex is a different subject. I'm pretty sure my sister knows that I'm interested in sex and having it, but she's also ok with me not telling her the whole truth, because it's my choice not to. I will tell her eventually how things went down. Probably around Thanksgiving or some time when I get home from college, some time after losing my virginity and after I let my relationship with Scott develop a bit.
Oh and on the way home, we found this store called the Velvet Box, I think, and she said "Well we can't just walk in, look around and not buy anything." I looked at her and said, "Yes we can." In response, she said "Ok," U-turned and parked. I couldn't help but laugh at her. We walked in, saw a lot of lingerie and I thought they were adorable, however a guy would probably think sexy. I wanted to buy one because I had the money. As you go farther in the story, you'll find vibrators, dildos, lube and other things of the sort. It was my first time in a store of that type and I found it fascinating. My sister also felt rather normal about it. I texted Scott telling him I was in a sex store with my sister. He responded "Zomg!!" I laughed. Honestly, those dildos were scary. A bit too long and a bit too thick. I'm not exactly sure how big Scott is, he says between 6-7 inches, but that doesn't include thickness. I've seen it over webcam, but it's not quite the same. Anywho, the store was pleasant. I expect to return, but with Scott instead of my sister.
I think it's funny how my posts seem to always turn back to Scott and/or sex. Is that a bad thing? I don't have much of a life so it'll probably be that way for a while. He's leaving for vacation though. I don't plan on texting him, don't want to disrupt his trip. I'll be happy to text him if he texts me though.

Ponderings of Mine

Is "ponderings" an actual word? Haha heck if I know, but oh well. I've been thinking about college. I kind of hate how I have to leave my baby brother behind. He needs help with his homework. I'm not the best teacher or sister, but he still needs someone. I really hope that my sisters will take up the slack.
I'm leaving behind the stresses of my family, for the stress of college and sex with Scott, who said he wanted to act as my boyfriend at college. Remember I said act. It's all complicated and it's not my place to post it all over the internet. Anywho, I think it's a fair trade off.
I'm clingy. I hate that I am. And I hate how most people don't really realize that I am, but whoever makes me happy consistently, I hold onto them. I want to always talk to them. It's like an addiction. I'll want to make contact with them over and over again. It's how I'm feeling about Scott right now. I resist it though. I try to think about something else. Or sometimes I just take naps. The beauty of summer eh?
I worry about college. How I'll do, how it will be losing my virginity to Scott and all the other times he and I will be involved in hanky panky, how weird it'll be sharing a room with a stranger oh and the community bath. Yes, my dorm hall has a community bath. It sounds unpleasant. But I emailed the housing people and they told me that all bathrooms in this dorm hall are community baths. Each hallway gets its own passcode locked bathroom that contains both commodes and showers, as well as sinks for doing hair, etc. While some people aren't used to this, the actual chances of seeing more than even one other person in the restroom at the same time is fairly low. A bonus to this type of bathroom is that it's professionally cleaned each day by a janitorial staff.
Yay for not cleaning! It's the last thing I need to add to my list of things to do to maintain cleanliness sanity.
Of course, I'm sure it'll be odd bringing my fish tank to the community bath just to clean and change its water. That'll be an interesting sight I bet. I dread transporting my Beta fish though. I hope it doesn't die in the process, I would hate having to tell my friends who gave me the fish that it died while I was taking it to college with me.
I should do it via text haha
"I regret to inform you that Cannibal has died. Its death was caused by the stress of moving from a computer desk in my room to a dorm an hour away. I'm sorry for your loss."
That'd be so wrong, but I'd still find it a bit funny. I'd get me a new beta fish though. They're so pretty!
I really hope to not get lost to my classes either. I don't even know where they're located. I'm really worried. I will really be referring to an upperclassman mentor. I just need to find one first! Haha. I will get so lost. -Sigh-
Tonight, I think that's about it.

How stereotypical

I think it's highly stereotypical for a girl to write in her diary about the man in her life everyday. And I'm sorry to do that, but it's the only thing interesting going on in my life. However, I did just get back from orientation so I'll tell you about that... and about the guy in my life and all that jazz.
I normally sit in a car with something in my lap, usually my purse. That bothered Scott. We had driven for maybe 10 minutes towards college and he nagged about it the second time and I'd decided to humor him and put my purse on the floor. I buckled my seatbelt and he reached over and started gently massaging my thigh, his fingers between my legs and quite close to my crotch. My heart raced. I'm pretty sure he couldn't tell if I liked it or not, but since I didn't stop him, he kept doing it. I was nervous, but Scott, I'm quite comfortable with him, it's just there are some things that I have to get used to.
Anywho, he and I caught up. It'd been a month or two since we'd seen each other in person. We laughed like crazy. He told me that he couldn't keep up with my insults. He said that my insults go at like 90 miles per hour, but he cruises at a good 20. When insults go right over his head, or it takes him a bit to figure out what I meant, I laughed at him. Scott makes me happy like that. And we did all that, while he was massaging my thigh on and off.
We'd eventually reached campus, checked in, made it to our rooms and figured out what was going to happen next. He wanted to go tour his dorm hall, but we got lost so we just headed back to the original dorm hall where orientation was. We sat in the parking lot. He's just sitting there, staring at me. I smile and look back at him. He said "Surprise," leaned in an kissed me. I'd completely forgotten that we'd arranged my first kiss to be something along those lines. I was silent afterwards.
I later realized that was a bad idea, to be silent. Scott's a guy who likes/needs to be reassured. He's aware that he's not that experienced in kissing so he wasn't sure if I liked it or not. What he didn't know was that my heart was beating out of my chest. Granted, it didn't take my breath away, it was plenty. I admitted to him that I felt awkward. He asked if I wanted to try again. I had the thought to put my hand on his shoulder, but when he leaned in, my mind blanked. Is it odd that I kept my eyes open? In movies, they all close their eyes. Me, I watched Scott's lips move with mine. I remember the feeling of my heart beating. And the feeling of his lips stuck with mine, even when we pulled apart. When we parted, he kissed me on the forehead, and that made me feel so much better. Not that I felt bad about feeling awkward while kissing, but because I was nervous.
My heart wouldn't stop beating at my rib cage. My lips held onto the feeling of his. They were so soft. And he told me he was surprised about how nice my lips were. I take that as a very good thing haha.
But after that, we left to the coliseum and saw all the displays that the college offered. We walked in a circle a few times. He says I "persuaded" him to sign up for Argentine tango... or salsa... or something like that. I'll find out when I go to class haha. BUT I only asked if he wanted to, not that he should. He'll probably drop the class though, but that's cool. I honestly didn't think he'd sign up.
Afterwards, we ate gross food for lunch and after an introduction/welcome to the college, then we got separated into groups. We did odd exercises to get to know each other and all that. Orientation on the first day was almost all walking. It was so insanely annoying. I made a friend though. Her name's Antoinette. She and I are both going into business. She's pretty cool, hopefully we'll run into each other again, since we didn't exchange numbers or anything.
Dinner was better but goodness, I miss having moments to myself! Or at least one where I could relax. My roommate was pretty cool, but I didn't really get to know her. I actually left her a note with her stuff, wishing her luck and the best wishes. I hope she saw it... and that the breeze didn't blow it into the trash haha.
In the very last activity, Scott said that he should just change his name to Scott. When he said that, I laughed because he doesn't know that it's his alias in this blog. I found it so ironic how he said that because people kept mis-hearing his name, they asked if he said Scott, but then he'd have to correct them and all that jazz. Poor dearie.
The next morning, Scott and I went to Ihop for breakfast. We didn't really want to eat the breakfast served in the cafeteria. He again mentioned how my wit or insults go at 90 mph, but he's dead tired so he's at a full stop. Haha, poor baby.
We all separated again, did some exercises with our groups, then went to some seminars. The ones I went to ended up proving quite useless. However, I was in a seminar with Scott, but I had gotten there too late, someone had sat next to him, and he's sitting on the aisle seat. So we're actually one person away. Scott's looking bored, which I tend to perceive as sad, for some odd reason. So I texted him "Scott my dear, look as happy as you are when you're feeling up my thigh. Please?" I watched as he read that, and he just broke out in a big smile. I thought that it was so cute and funny.
Then lunch, advising for our classes and then, signing up for those classes. I have no class before 9 AM, which is pretty good since I'm actually a morning person.
Then, I checked out and Scott and I were on our way.
We toured his dorm hall first. Our guide seemed to automatically assumed we were a couple. As we left, he laughed about that. I told him that we act do like a couple. He said that he didn't know what I was talking about, as he put his arm about me.
We left to go home. We talked. We laughed. I asked if we had to go home. He asked where would we go instead. I said Walmart. Haha. He agreed. Did I mention he was massaging my thigh again. It's a little hard to act normal whilst your heart's going crazy. He then mentioned that he only did it to torture me, and that if he did it right, he could get a physical reaction, like getting turned on. I told him that it was working.
So we got to wally world, we walked past some college dorm stuff, Scott decided he'd buy a rug, a lock and two pillows. We were heading towards the food section, for some reason. When I questioned the reason, we decided to go ahead and check out. As we did so, we passed the lingerie, bra and panty section. I looked at him and asked if he wanted to pick something out. I think I stunned him. Honestly, I'm on my period so I'm hornier(or in this case, bolder) than normal. I don't remember if he said yes or not, but it didn't matter because I turned into the section and just started walking around. He told me that I was a little freaky, not as in weird, but as in sexually. He laughed awkwardly and said that his heart rate had jumped. I couldn't help but laugh. I just walked around and asked what he liked. Me? It couldn't have seemed more like I'd done it before. I was just as normal as ever. We found some see-through lace bras. He liked those. But there weren't any matching panties, so I decided against them. As I pondered, he muttered "Just choose something woman!" I was ever so bemused by that. I told him I think he's adorable when he's flustered. I started talking and then lead him to where the granny panties where and I was so entertained at how I ruined it for him. I didn't know what I wanted, I kind of knew what he wanted, but he subtley led me to a section with cute, college girl kind of bras. There was plaid, polka dot, stuff like that. I got a plaid one, it came with matching panties. We walked again. Just wondering. He told me that he only acted awkward so as to make it more believeable. I knew that, but I still thought it was adorable. Would it not be odd, if not inapproppriate, if two teens were looking through bras and panties, if the two teens could be sexually attracted to each other? Scott then said that he wanted to act as gay as possible, to make it more "ok." I ended up going in a big circle, and decided against the stuff I'd gotten. I went back and found some pink stuff. Scott likes pink, especially with my coloring. I got a hot pink heart bra and a three pack thing of panties, all with matching pink lace.
We'd left and as I pushed the cart (I feel awkward shopping if I'm not pushing the cart) he told me that he appreciated my purchase. Yes, I bought it with my own money. Because I really doubt he could explain to his parents why there's a purchase of that sort on his card. He walked me too the cart corrall thing and back to the car. Scott said he had to spend all the time with me he could since we were running out.
I think I was wrong. I do have feelings for him. When he said that, I felt the connection. I mean, we'd always had one, but this was unique to me.
He took me home.
It wasn't until I had gotten in my house, I realized he hadn't felt me up for the ride home and we hadn't kissed. I admit, I love the feeling he gives me when we touch. When I told him this, he felt much better, because my tendency to understate or seem deceiving throws off how he reads me.
You may ask why he and I are just friends with benefits. Why aren't we in a relationship?
Things are complicated.
It doesn't seem it.
But I'm not going to tell you.
Why?
Because I don't have to.

That's all tonight.

Randomness is Joyous

Today, a whole load of nothing happened. I napped, but that's not fun to read about haha. Something that I find exciting is that I'm going to orientation soon!!
I'm so wanting to see what the campus looks like. I have no intention as to what college I'm going to, just because I'm slightly paranoid of stalker (ironic isn't it?). Anywho, it's about an hour away from where I live, and obviously since I don't drive, I'm hitching a ride with Scott.
Other than all the sex we discuss with each other, we're actually pretty good friends. Very open with each other and we make each other laugh. I miss talking to him in person. Nowadays, we keep in contact via text or IM. He called me yesterday, just out of the blue, and that's when I realized, I missed him in person. We could talk every single day via text or IM but I wouldn't laugh nearly as much as we would have over the phone or in person, or even over the webcam. Webcamming with him is hilarious, though we've only done it once.
Orientation's an overnight thing. So Scott's picking me up, super early in the morning -.- and we're driving off, checking in and probably going to go eat waffles. Why waffles? Because about a week ago he said he wanted waffles. He has yet to get those waffles so I suggested we go do that haha :-P
And then he wants to make out... or at least give me my first kiss, then make out. Haha. It's funny how I take this all in a stride. I don't mind though. I'm willing. I'm really not one for romance am I?
Honestly, when I was younger, I was one hell of a romantic. Always thinking of some Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet and all that jazz, but I don't know what happened. I stopped daydreaming. I stopped wanting this man to see someone in me I'd never known, someone so amazing that they fall in love with me. Ironic, because I think Scott's done exactly that. He once asked me if I loved him. I told him I didn't know if I did or didn't. I really do wonder if I'm capable of love because I don't think I even love my own family. Now I have reasons for some members to not care for some members of mi familia, however my innocent nephews and little brothers? I always unsure of how the bond is supposed to feel. A friend once told me love isn't a feeling. It's an action. It makes perfect sense to me. But what do my actions say to my nephews and brothers?
Am I odd for wondering things like that? Wondering if I'm capable of love? Because I'm loveable, I just don't know if I can love them back.
I'm not a passionate person either. I don't know what I am, I just know what I'm not.
Hmmm... this post has taken some turns hasn't it?
That's what I get for not writing all this in one sitting.
I think that's all for today.

Things on My Mind

First off, I must warn those who are modest in regards of sexuality and those who are... strict or religious in their beliefs that you may find this post offensive, so please don't read it.

This is a posting of random things involving my sexuality that's just floating around in my head. I've decided to mix things up.
When I was younger, I used to think I was meant to be a man. I used to want to be a man. When I'd discovered sex, or what it's hyped up to be, I was addicted to lesbian porn. I liked straight porn too, but lesbian porn, at the time, was more appealing to me. That was before I understood I was bisexual. But the reason I wanted to be a man, honestly, was so I could get off. I really wanted release... I still want release.
I'm sure some people who read this think it's inappropriate to put this out there on the interent where anyone can get a hold of it.
I have no rebuttal to that. Society defines sexuality as inappropriate. I understand that. I've always understood that. I was raised in the red state of Texas, surrounded be religion and plus, I'm Asian. Sex is repressed. I don't think my parents have ever said the word sex to me in my 18 years of existence. Or used other words for it, like make love or something of that sort. But I'm putting this out there because it's on my mind, because I want to say something about it. You don't have to like it.
And even now, years later from my major identity issues regarding gender, I sometimes wish I was a man, but again, for the release. I'm lousy at masturbastion, otherwise, I probably wouldn't have that occasional want.
I'm a virgin, in case some of the few who read this wonder why I don't just go have sex. Though, honestly, three guys have offered to have sex with me. At the time of the offer, I wasn't in a relationship with any of them. Two of them offered just for sexual release. The third, he has true feelings of affection, both friendly and romantic.
I was surprised every single time I was offered. Not because it made me uncomfortable, or I didn't know they were like that, but because I've never understood what made me attractive to them. One of the guys was a virgin so I think he was in for just to lose his virginity to another virgin who was open about her sexuality. The other two said I was hot. Honestly, I'm overweight(by at least 50 pounds), I have skin discolorations in some odd areas(but they don't know that), but I do think I'm pretty sometimes, but that's when I'm only looking at my face. I think they might say that because of my 38C cup breasts.
The guy who has true feeling for me, I've agreed to have sex with. Not because I think he's hot, or because he's asking for it, but because I think that after wanting release for 6 years and finding someone I'm completely comfortable with, perhaps it's not so bad to do it. I know sex isn't all of what it's hyped up to be, at least not for my first time, but I hope that eventually, it will be amazing.
We'll be using condoms and I'll find my way to get on the pill, just to let the few who read this know.
Sex. I've never had it and I want it. I want him to ravage my body.
But.... let's start with my first kiss. No, I have yet to have that experience. It's sad, I know, but with him, I don't mind. You know what? Let's give him a name. Uhmm... Scott. The guy who has feelings for me and with whom I plan to have sex with, his alias is Scott.
Scott's an experienced guy. He's bisexual too. And he's a guy who tends to fall in love a lot, and even love more than one person at a time, including me. I don't have those kinds of feelings for him. I used to. More than once. But we talk more about sex than anything. I haven't seen him in all summer either. My bond with him isn't like that. Not anymore. I'm a sexual being, I know that. A romantic one, I'm not sure if I am.
I do look forward to my more intimate relationship with Scott in college. Friends with benefits is something I never thought I'd be.
I'm am such an untraditional girl.

First Time Driving

Today, my dad took me out to an empty parking lot. I drove for the first time in my life. It wasn't too bad. Granted I never made it over 10 miles per hour.
I felt pretty comfortable driving. My dad only yelled at me once! Which was pretty darned good in my book haha.
I have drivers ed tomorrow. I'm sure it'll be as tedious as ever. I don't expect it to be all that great. It never is. It's also quite easy to cheat.
I will be scheduling drive times soon, so I can finish my 7 hours of driving in drivers ed and 7 hours of observation.
Soon enough, I'll have my 20 hour log too, that I have to do outside of drivers ed.
What was your first time driving? Was it good? Bad?
Did someone in your family or someone you knew teach you or did you go to drivers ed?
Not much happened today. Call this a filler post, so as just to maintain the blog. I'm going to try to update it every few days.

Lovely Day Today

Well, I don't know the driving laws in your state... or country... whichever, but I got my drivers permit(the temporary paper one) today, whilst taking the drivers ed course. Now I can schedule driving times to learn how to drive. I'm so afraid of learning how to drive, it's crazy. I'm more afraid of pressing the brake or accellerator when I mean to press the other. Hopefully, it'll be ok.
Anywho, I probably won't schedule any drive times until next week. I'd like to get my 14 hours done ASAP. It's annoying how I have to miss two days though for orientation and I'm required to make them up. I have no idea when I have to make then up and I don't know how I'm going to. I'm assuming I just have to do the work. I don't know yet though. I'll be asking tomorrow.
I hope to get my license before college starts though. I have no idea when that is sadly enough. Perhaps, if I'm lucky enough, I'll have it a few weeks before I move into my dorm. That way I'll drive around looking for stuff for my dorm beforehand.
Do you know any good stores for cheap dorm stuff? I know Ross and Big Lots are good places to go. I can't think of any others than maybe Target and Walmart.
Also, clothes too. I don't have a lot of clothes. And I'm a big girl too so cute clothes I'm comfortable with are a little harder to find.
Can you think of any stores that might have my size? I'll narrow stores down by what I like.
Thanks much for reading :)

Drivers Ed

I know.
I'm lame.
I'm 18 and today... well yesterday technically... was my first day of drivers ed. I need to get my diploma soon too, in order to get my permit. Mind you, I did graduate, on the reccomended program too, with a 4.125 GPA. At my graduation, when we walked the stage, they gave us the diploma cover right? And after the whole ceremoney where we're dismissed, it was insanely hectic because they made last second changes. I had no idea who to get my diploma from. It was idiotic. I was pissed. I was going to pick it up on the next weekday, but I was so worried over a trip I was supposed to go to that day that I never got it. And I still haven't. I know. I'm an idiot. I'll get it this week though. Probably Wednesday.
Anywho, drivers ed! It sucks. It's really boring and intensive. I'm pretty sure that the first day's the worst. I have no idea what tomorrow holds. But I have something to entertain me! For 2-3 hours a day. Plus homework. Which I'm doing now. It's funny.
What sucks is that I know I'm going to miss two days of class because I have to go to orientation. I have to make up those days during another cycle though. -sigh- I have no idea when that'll be, but I'll get my license. At some point. Hopefully before I start college. And then I'll get a car with a GPS so that I never get lost. But I have no idea when that'll be haha.
Drivers ed blows though. I'm pretty sure I'm the oldest and I'm ashamed of that. I suppose it's not so bad. I'll get through it so long as I don't mope.
I have to be positive for myself. That's something I have to learn and make a habit of, even though my natural habit is to do the exact opposite.
I wonder how this drivers ed thing will go for me. Will I make friends? O.o Who knows? I highly doubt it though. But who knows?
That's all I have to say today. I'll probably post everyday. Like a diary. I hope I can keep up with this though.

Happy Independence Day!

'Tis Fourth of the July!
I plan to go to a party later tonight. But other than that, I don't have anything special planned for today.
I'm in a much better mood now. I needed some laughter. Laughter is a great cure and I wish I got more of it. It's addictive.
Is anyone else addicted to anything?
Not like drugs or stuff like that.
I mean like chocolate, laughter, Mom's macaroni and cheese.
I love pocky. It's like a cookie stick that's been dipped in icing. It's awesome. I like potatoes too. I could live off of potatoes. French fries, boiled, in soup, mashed, but not raw. I don't eat raw potatoes haha.
I know a girl who loves blue eyes and if someone she likes has blue eyes, it's a huge plus for her. I don't know if that should be considered an addiction though, since she's dated people with other eye colors.
But that just brings another question to mind, what would trait would the person of your liking have to have to be a huge plus for you?
I love broad shoulders. They make my head turn sometimes. And a defined jawline. Like a masculine jaw, I love that. I don't know if people notice, but I stare at both of those traits sometimes. It's a weird trait to dominate all the others, but it's true for me. Some girls, like my friend, like eye color or blonde hair, or a cute butt, and yes, those are all nice, but those two are the best for me.
Even though, physical traits matter very little to me romantically. I could run through every guy I've ever liked and the one thing they have in common is that I liked some part of their personality that sparked the crush. I have an eclectic taste in men, romantically at least. I don't have a "type," or at least, I don't think I do...
Hmm...
Do you have a type? In men or women? In both if you're bi lol

Artsy Stuffs

Don't you ever wish you had a talent you asked for? As opposed to naturally having?
Like singers. They just have a beautiful voice to start with. Yes they may require some fine tuning but any professional would tell someone not to sing if they didn't have what they needed to start with.
What if, though, you wanted to dance? Or cook? And was able to be as great as your grandmother or, I don't know, Shakira?
Me? I wish that sometimes. I mean cooking you can learn from family and that's free. Or so I'd hope.
I can write. To an extent. I can write poems. I can write stories. I don't feel as though I'm that great. I'm told I can pour my emotions into my poems. Honestly, not even half of my emotions are in my poems. If they did, there might be cuss words and utter hatred constantly placed in them. I don't know though. Maybe if I look back on them in a few years I'll be able to see it better.
I can draw really weird, abstract stuff. I take pictures of the sky, I photoshop, make jewelry, corsages and bouttenieres. All of this, I never really count as much. It always amazes me how much people love my art. I do call it art, but I never call it all that great unless I really love it. It's just what I do.
What I want to do, something I'd love to have a talent for is dancing. I want to tango, waltz, belly dance, heck, even swing dance. I want to learn all that and more. It's hard work. It's probably a lot of money for the classes too.
Dancing is a fluid way of expression. It's sensual when with a partner. It's drop dead sexy. And that's just watching two talented dancers doing something they're good at. I couldn't even imagine what it must feel like dancing like that with someone.
I doubt I have the natural talent, but with enough training, I'm sure I could be good enough. I want to dance for a few reasons. One is that I could lose weight while doing it, but that's just a plus. I think I've come to accept my rubinesque figure. The main reason is because it's just so beautiful to watch, why not want in on it? Another is that I'd love to dance with someone so intimately. It's so romantic to me.
It's like an artform to me. I want to learn how to embrace my confidence and body like that. It takes a sense of humor to dance badly in front of people. It takes confidence to tango sexily with an audience. Of course... that's what I think, I haven't done either. So don't take my word for it haha.
I have some really artsy friends who can draw pretty much pefectly. One can do it in chalk, because that's her medium. And by "her medium", I mean that chalk is what works best for her, like what she can understand best and use to make her vision. I have a few friends who use just a pen and/or pencil, but it's just jaw droppingly amazing. Some are great with photoshop, which is also breath taking.
Me? I'm ok. My medium is pen/ink. Chalk I suck at. Paint, I suck even worse at. Wire I've found that I'm pretty good with. And hot glue. I'm like in love with hot glue. I don't know why, but I love using it. Oh and it's an "art" medium to me because I use it when I make jewelry. I layer it. It doesn't give the glassy effect that I want though.
This is just a random post with more positivity and to express my undying desire to dance. If I could dance like Shakira, I wouldn't be rubinesque anymore, but damn, that would take sooo much training haha. And who would I show my dancing talents to? My boyfriend? Ha! Yo no tengo un novio... For those who don't know Spanish, that says "I don't have a boyfriend." I don't know why I say stuff in Spanish randomly. I just like to.
I'm weird like that. ^_^

One Eight

17:
10 o'clock curfew, no ID, no driving skills whatsoever, not very happy, but should be at least content, disappointed in family, disappointed in friends, always sitting alone in my room, missing human contact but lacks initiative.
That was yesterday.
Today I turn the big one eight, 18 baby.
And you know what, it's exactly the same as 17.
I feel like crying. Why? Because I'm a whiny brat who always wants more than what she deserves.
I'm eating out with my sister today.
The same thing we do every year.
I don't want to. I don't want to do anything. I'm currently in my "I don't care" depression.
I just want to mope in the solitude of my room and cry.
I hate how American culture makes turning 18 so grand and amazing, because it only makes me sad that my 18th isn't up to par. I'd like to be at least happy.
I went to watch The Last Airbender. By myself. My excuse? I wanted to see a certain showing and it literally ten minutes from starting. It's true. But my reason? I didn't feel like making contact with anyone. A lovely side effect to my "I don't care" depression. No matter how much I want someone to notice my duress, I block off the world only to disappoint myself more. I'm a self-destructive soul.
My sister's here right now. I don't know why she and her family came over. Yeah, it's my birthday, and that's the reason. But I dont' see the point. I dislike her husband. So it only adds to the pointlessness. I don't think she knows that I do though.
^^ That was me about four hours ago.
I'm in a better mood. Still disappointed that I never got that ID. There's no point in being 18 unless you can prove it. Why I didn't get it? My friend decided since that I'm finally going to driver's ed, she wasn't going to take me.
I don't think she realized that she ruined my whole day by doing that. I understand that I'll get my liscence in 3-4 weeks, but today is my birthday, and the only 18th I will ever have.
Another reason I've started to alienate my friends. I'm not honest with how much they hurt me or disappoint me. That's my own fault though. I'm a liar like that.
Anywho, my uncle came over. He lives a few hours away so I don't see him much. I ended up making my own mood better by picking up my 11 month old nephew, taking him to my uncle and telling him that the baby was mine. He was utterly surprised. I couldn't stop laughing. I just needed a good laugh to make everything better.
I still cried afterwards though, due to the disappointment. I'm emotional. I'm on my period. I got to find that out today. How lovely, I got a birthday present from mother nature.
Both sisters, the brother in law that I like and I ended up eating at a somewhat high class Japanese place. I got surprised with a sparkler on a cake. It was awesome.
I hate how I couldn't liven up until the very end. I was sad pretty much all day until about 9 o'clock at night. I cried three or four times. I spent about two or three hours, combined, in a dark room or closet by myself. To mope and wallow in my sorrow.
I really need to be more positive. It's hard to change that about myself. It's like what I breathe is negativity.
In the end, I'd say my birthday was ok. A lot of disappointments, no presents (not to be materialistic or anything, but I hardly ever get presents on my birthday), about $40 bucks, 20 of which for the movie I watched by myself, and a really nice dinner.
I got happy birthday's from the Tricycle. Two of which were pretty much at the same time. So one told the other. One told me to do whatever my heart wishes. I find it ironic she said that while I was sitting in the movie byself. That being alone was my heart's wish. I don't know if I'll tell her now that it's July 3rd and is no longer my birthday. Well... at least in my time zone. Haha.
But that's about it. I suffered depression and ended with laughs and a swig of Johnny Walker, which was utterly unpleasant.

First Post

So... this is the third blog I've made. I've already deleted one and am about to delete the other. I tend to lose interest quickly. Just call me HL or H.L. or Aych Ell or other variations of it haha.
I've called this blog "The Lonely Stalked Stalker" because I think it somewhat describes my current thoughts. I facebook stalk people all the time, though currently, my facebook has been deactivated. Why? Because I find it's easiest for me to get over drama or being hurt by friends to to completely block contact with them.
I had these three friends, they were great, lots of fun. Two of them where guys, one a girl so it was always the four of us. One of the guys worked at a movie theatre so we always watched movies for free almost every week, sometimes more than one movie at once. About two weeks ago, we all went to a neighboring state to spend three days at a teacher's cabin. That's when I finally realized what state our group was in. The four of us had become the three of them. I felt completely left out. When we got back in town, we went to see a movie. My dad got upset because I told him that we'd be home sooner than we had ended up being. We left later than intended. I then promised I'd be home in 30 minutes. The movie ended 20 minutes later. I'd asked my friends to drive me home. The other girl laughed and said she'd never heard me say I'd be in trouble before.
If anyone's reading this, understand that I consider my friends better than me. Harder working, more honest, purer, better than me. Also understand that I do not respect my mother whatsoever. So that's why she'd never heard me say I'd get in trouble. My dad isn't usually home due to his job and since my mother isn't a figure of authority to me, I don't listen to her.
In the end, I got home in an hour. I got a huge lecture about how my friends are bullshit, how he doesn't trust me, fun stuff like that. My dad, despite our opposing views, past drama and heartaches, I still find that what he says truly matters to me. He gave me, a seventeen year old that legally has no curfew, a 10 o'clock curfew, every night, weekend or weekday.
I went to my room and felt utterly upset and depressed. I didn't know if he was right. That my friends didn't care about me as much as I thought they did or if he was wrong to judge them because I've misled them to believe that I don't care about the authority of my parents.
Even if that didn't happen, I'd still be upset because I felt as though I was being squeezed out of my little group of friends. I haven't been happy in a while. I've been letting them affect my mood too much. Even when I deactivated my facebook so I couldn't see that they were still doing things without me. The three of them still hang out without me. I call them The Tricycle. Because of a poem I'd written about them in an attempt to get over my pain. It's called Wheels. It was futile because I'm still allowing them to affect my mood. They still make me sad when I think about them. Perhaps I'm being nostalgic.
Anyways.... back to the subject.... I was talking about why I'd named this blog "The Lonely Stalked Stalker." Oh yeah, I facebook stalk people. I also feel lonely this summer because I hardly talk to anyone. Without facebook, I feel a bit isolated in the world considering I used to be on facebook everyday, all day, of course I'd also be doing other things whilst having the facebook window up. And lastly the stalked part of the title. I'm not really stalked. I joke around with a friend that he watches me sleep at night. That's as close as I get.
I sometimes think that if the right stalker came along, they could totally be my best friend. I have a constant need for feedback, opinions, and to vent. I tend to hold it in because I know people don't need to know everything.
I think that's about it for tonight.
To those who've read, thanks for reading.