Word Vomit Whilst on an Emotional Rollercoaster

Lately, I've been on a poetry binge. Pouring so much of myself into these poems. I posted a particular poem called Screw You and I got a response from a woman, Serah. You kind of have to read the poem for some of this to make sense, or so I imagine. As a person of logic, I find it hard to see emotion is text. As a poet, I find it easy to put my emotions into words. To others, my poetry seems far more powerful than it does to me, but I suppose I'm not the only person to feel that way. Serah told me that from that poem, she sensed that my sense of peace is tied to my lover, to Scott. When I read that, I stopped for a second. I'm sure that reading my previous posts could tell you the same, but she got it from one poem. She also told me to keep what I have with him alive. If it's movies, watch movies together, if it's eating pizza together, do that. And when I read that, I had to stop and think, what do Scott and I have? What is it that bonds us together? We don't really have that. So far, we just have sex, and we haven't even had sex with each other yet. Sometimes, when he's horny or fantasizing, he'll tell me what he imagines doing to me. I kind of like it honestly, but it seems like we talk about that more than most anything else. He told me that he just wants to be with me, but that the desire tends to manifest itself into sex.
I can understand that.
Yesterday, in my sorrow, I posted a status on my facebook, which I later turned into a word vomit. What a word vomit is, is a ramble or sorts, it's a daily practice of writing. You write whatever you want, vomiting out your thoughts into words. It's something I'm going to do on the days I don't write a poem, or so I hope. The purpose of the word vomit is to lose structure, and connect with your words emotionally, allowing flow from your heart to your words.
The word vomit read:
"I feel like a little kid playing with a toy that's broken, but I don't know that it is. I just keep banging at it and tweaking it trying to make it work. Why won't it work?, I whine. Eventually, someone will throw it away. I'll cry because I loved that toy, even if it didn't work anymore. I'll still wonder why it didn't work. Did it need batteries? Was a screw loose? Does it matter? I still love that broken toy.
I wanted to keep it. Keep it with me forever. Who cares if it didn't work? The memories would be enough. I miss it. That broken toy. I wish it was here. So I could apologize for not protecting it. Not playing with it anymore.
I'm sorry, my broken toy."
Scott read my status, which was just the first paragraph, and he told me that he wasn't a broken toy. For some reason I thought it was ironic he said that, and I wanted to know what he thought of me calling him a broken toy, even though I didn't mean it that way, and telling him that I loved him in a facebook status.
I told him that I wasn't calling him a broken toy. It was a reference to our relationship. The broken toy was our dysfunctional relationship. He asked me how was it dysfunctional. I lied and told him that it was me, my inability to understand my emotions in relation to my logical mind and how they clash, which stresses me out. Granted, that isn't a lie, but it wasn't the whole truth in answer to his question. Only half. The other half is that I hate how he keeps secrets and how incredibly vague he is when I crave details. Especially in a situation as complicated as ours, I just want to be able to know and understand everything. I could beg him to explain things, but it will be general, vague, "big picture," and unspecified. And I would be left unsatisfied.
Trust me, I know, because he then had to explain why our plans yesterday got cancelled. He intended to break up with his new girlfriend. I finally learned that he never stopped dating the previous girlfriend, the one who he told me he wouldn't leave for anyone. The only reason he was with this new girl was because she's in love with him, and he could tell how miserable she was. He wanted to make her happy, so he began a relationship with her, whilst dating his previous girlfriend and having me on the side. Insane, is it not?
When he tried to break up with her, he couldn't do it. She pleaded with him, begged him not to leave her, he told me the look in her eyes, the fear, crippled him. I didn't know what to say. He still plans on leaving her, but he has to find a new way that won't hurt her so much. I asked him that when he broke up with her, what would happen then. He told me that he would eventually marry his previous girlfriend, the one too fragile to leave on her own, then one he can't leave. I sent him a sad face. He seemed confused. He thought that it was understood that even though we have something, he can't leave her. I knew this, I know this. I just want him to be happy. And that's what I told him. In response, he told me that that's the reason he has me.
On my emotional rollercoaster yesterday, I was so deeply negative, I wanted to add salt to the wound. I posted a status asking people to tell me if I've ever wronged them, if I've ever disappointed them. In my negativity, I, for some reason, just want to dig deeper into the sorrow, to sulk in all I've done wrong. No one commented. Who would? Scott told me, in chat, that he wasn't disappointed in me. That I made him happy. He said that I don't have to feel for him anymore than I do and that I don't have to tell him what I feel. He told me that our relationship wasn't a broken toy, that I'll see that it isn't and to keep my chin up.
Honestly, all I wanted was a hug from him. I find that hugs are the most comforting thing in the world and that it was all I wanted. But I couldn't have it and that only made me more sad.
Somehow, I am able to make him happy. I seem to be his escape from his fragile women. And yet, I seem to be the least satisfied. I'm unsure what to make of this. I have to be patient, I suppose. In two or three weeks, we'll be leaving for college together anyways, so if not now, it will be then.

Things Just Keep Changing

I don't confide my relationship with Scott with anyone other than whomever reads this stupid blog of mine and of course, Scott. I fear judgement. People want monogamy and they think other people should want it. Hell, sometimes I want it, but most times, it doesn't bother me, so long as it isn't a secret.
I dislike not knowing how he feels about the other women in his life. Yes, women. We had a meeting of sorts planned today. I'm unsure if you'd call it a date. Yesterday, I'd asked him if it was or not. He said that if it was, he'd have three girlfriends. I asked him who the third was. He told me that it'd be me. I'm utterly confused. And honestly, I don't want to think of myself as his girlfriend. I don't really want to be just his. I don't know if he expects monogamy from me, I bet he does, but I just don't think that's fair of him, if he does that is. I'm obviously not getting monogamy from him, so how can I think of myself as his girlfriend? We're lovers. In college, if I get asked out on a date and the guy is likeable, why not? It's not a relationship, it's just a date. If there's a second date, why not? I'd like my first date, considering the thing today with Scott got cancelled. A month or so ago, Scott apologized to me for not being able to be with everyone and love everyone(by everyone, I mean everyone he loves/cares for), like he wants to. Things have changed since then. He told me that he loves me, just the other day. I didn't say it back, because I've always wondered if I'm capable of loving someone else. I think I am, and I also think that that's good enough for me, because I think I love him too, but I have no intention on telling him until I figure out how to deal with the sadness. The sadness of being a secret. The sadness of knowing that he keeps secrets. The sadness of the lack of monogamy, because polygamy is so much more annoying and complicated. Monogamy is easier to deal with.
Right now I'm really sad I don't get to see him today, because last night he got to make out with his new girlfriend, granted he told me that she wasn't that great of a kisser, but still, she got to spend time with him. Last Saturday, I saw a shooting star. I only wished for happiness. It's vague, but in that wish, I thought of Scott. I don't care if you're not supposed to tell what you wished for, because at the moment, the exact opposite has happened. I'm not sad because I'm jealous. I'm sad because I never get to see him. Since graduation, I've only seen him once. It's not his fault today got cancelled, but I can't help but feel sad.
He can't wait for college, so he can hold me in public and call me his. I can't call him mine, because it's not true. It doesn't seem fair, but it's not so unfair that it bothers me. It's how I knew our relationship would be, from the start.
I hope no one thinks I'm desperate enough to cling to a polygamous guy just to get laid and have all those experiences girl dream about, kissing, dating, spending time together. I'm not. I just want to be with the guy I've always really cared about, the only guy I know I can be completely open with. But we just keep missing each other somehow. And yeah, it's not normal, how this all came about, but there's no such thing as normal.

Cometh Thine Downfall

Honestly, I don't know if the title for this is grammatically correct, but I'm sure you get the gist of what I mean. If you don't know what thine means, that's ok, I don't either. Stupid to use it, I know, and yet, I'm ok with it.
At this moment, I'm unsure of what to feel. I've said time and time again that with Scott, it's complicated. Well, it just got worse. He's in new relationship. I got to find out via facebook. I didn't say anything about it. I just glanced over it and accepted that it happened. I was completely unaware such a thing was a possibility, not that he can't have a girlfriend, but this particular girl, it too was complicated between the two of them. Well, from what I understand. I debate if I should leave what we have this very moment, a friendship, exactly how and what it is. When I first saw it on facebook, my head was calm and cool. My heart was beating harder than normal. The first thing I did was change my status to something calm and somewhat upbeat, but I wanted out. I wanted to turn off my computer and leave. Still though, my head was cool. I didn't turn off my computer because my status was about jumpstarting my creativity, so I decided to start drawing. I found an image online and tried to imitate it. Soon enough, Scott had the gall to IM me(it's how we normally talk, so those of you who can't stand people who are impersonal as such, it's not impersonal to us) that we needed to talk, but in parenthesis, he said not to be afraid. I asked, "What about?" He replied that I should check my facebook. I didn't need to, obviously. I said that I'd seen it. He replied that I shouldn't think anything of it and that all will be revealed.
My mind was still calm, but that should've infuriated me. I despise vagueness. I simply replied "ok," and that was it. I went on drawing and he was probably talking to his new girl. The sad thing about IM is that the emotion doesn't come across so well. I don't know what emotion I was feeling because my head rules over my heart, yet my head was calm, my heart was beating like crazy, I wanted to turn off my computer, but I was still cool as a cucumber. I don't understand what I felt because my mental state, emotional state, physical reaction and conscious actions seem to all contradict.
I don't understand how he can expect me not to think anything of it. When he comes back from his vacation, I suppose I'll ask him to explain it. I have an issue with confrontation and I lack initiative. Still though, I need to be frank with him. I need to know what exactly happened, with no vagueness, with complete details and specifics and I also need him to know that I'm unsure of what to feel. I need him to know that perhaps it's best we stay friends, where the benefits are nonsexual.
I think it's wrong to say you'll do something, and then change your mind or not do it, unless of course you have a credible reason. That's part of the reason I've agreed to have sex with him, because I said I'd like to make out with him and that it's ok that he touch/fondle me during, also that it'd be ok for him to take it farther, if I was comfortable with it of course. That was before any of the real friends with benefits/affair thing was serious though. I say all this because he told me that he wouldn't leave his girlfriend for anyone. Here he is, gallivanting with a new girlfriend. I'm clueless as to what happened, but ironically, I don't feel betrayed. He had one girlfriend, left her for someone else and here I am, just the friends with benefits to be. Or, at least that's how I see it. Scott gave me nothing to aid me in seeing this from his point a view.
Yes, that's why it was complicated with Scott, he had a girlfriend at the time. Now he has a new one.
He's not a player. He believes that one isn't "taken" until they're married. I think that I'm a bit promiscuous so it didn't bother me so much, but this is... I don't even know the word for it. I'm not angry, betrayed. I'm bothered by it, but not annoyed. Unsettled perhaps is the word. I suppose it's because usually he'd talk to me. I suppose he only talks to me about what he's feeling in regards about me. He didn't talk much about his old girlfriend, but because I felt that it was a sore subject, ergo I never brought it up and he hardly ever did. I suppose the openness we have/had with each other meant only how I feel about him and he I, no one else was pertinent. That's how it was in regards of his old girlfriend and I suppose that how it'll be of his new one. I know little of her, less of how their relationship suddenly came to be, other than I'm not supposed to "think anything of it."
I find that I have completely different writing style whilst I'm in a negative mood. It tends to be a bit more elegant, or from my point of view at least. I feel tingling down my back and arms. It's usually what I feel when experiencing emotional turmoil. How dreadful... I still don't know what I feel, other than unsettled.
I'm left at an unease by someone I've always felt a connection with.
I fear all my plans for college may be foiled.
Perhaps 'tis best this way.
I must learn that Scott's life is his own. It will never be truly intertwined with my own because I highly doubt we'd ever marry. I'm not the marrying type, or so I think as of this moment.
He's his own person. I am my own person. I cannot help but cling though. I always hold onto people who make me happy. Could you blame me?
I set here, typing away. I think it's time to break away from Scott. I hope I'm not speaking too soon, but I'll put away my phone, not go on facebook or any program where I can IM. Time to live and let live.
I change my mind. I'm annoyed now. I'm slightly pissed. I should be more passionate than this, but I suppose I'm saving it up for when/if he explains himself to me.

One Eight

17:
10 o'clock curfew, no ID, no driving skills whatsoever, not very happy, but should be at least content, disappointed in family, disappointed in friends, always sitting alone in my room, missing human contact but lacks initiative.
That was yesterday.
Today I turn the big one eight, 18 baby.
And you know what, it's exactly the same as 17.
I feel like crying. Why? Because I'm a whiny brat who always wants more than what she deserves.
I'm eating out with my sister today.
The same thing we do every year.
I don't want to. I don't want to do anything. I'm currently in my "I don't care" depression.
I just want to mope in the solitude of my room and cry.
I hate how American culture makes turning 18 so grand and amazing, because it only makes me sad that my 18th isn't up to par. I'd like to be at least happy.
I went to watch The Last Airbender. By myself. My excuse? I wanted to see a certain showing and it literally ten minutes from starting. It's true. But my reason? I didn't feel like making contact with anyone. A lovely side effect to my "I don't care" depression. No matter how much I want someone to notice my duress, I block off the world only to disappoint myself more. I'm a self-destructive soul.
My sister's here right now. I don't know why she and her family came over. Yeah, it's my birthday, and that's the reason. But I dont' see the point. I dislike her husband. So it only adds to the pointlessness. I don't think she knows that I do though.
^^ That was me about four hours ago.
I'm in a better mood. Still disappointed that I never got that ID. There's no point in being 18 unless you can prove it. Why I didn't get it? My friend decided since that I'm finally going to driver's ed, she wasn't going to take me.
I don't think she realized that she ruined my whole day by doing that. I understand that I'll get my liscence in 3-4 weeks, but today is my birthday, and the only 18th I will ever have.
Another reason I've started to alienate my friends. I'm not honest with how much they hurt me or disappoint me. That's my own fault though. I'm a liar like that.
Anywho, my uncle came over. He lives a few hours away so I don't see him much. I ended up making my own mood better by picking up my 11 month old nephew, taking him to my uncle and telling him that the baby was mine. He was utterly surprised. I couldn't stop laughing. I just needed a good laugh to make everything better.
I still cried afterwards though, due to the disappointment. I'm emotional. I'm on my period. I got to find that out today. How lovely, I got a birthday present from mother nature.
Both sisters, the brother in law that I like and I ended up eating at a somewhat high class Japanese place. I got surprised with a sparkler on a cake. It was awesome.
I hate how I couldn't liven up until the very end. I was sad pretty much all day until about 9 o'clock at night. I cried three or four times. I spent about two or three hours, combined, in a dark room or closet by myself. To mope and wallow in my sorrow.
I really need to be more positive. It's hard to change that about myself. It's like what I breathe is negativity.
In the end, I'd say my birthday was ok. A lot of disappointments, no presents (not to be materialistic or anything, but I hardly ever get presents on my birthday), about $40 bucks, 20 of which for the movie I watched by myself, and a really nice dinner.
I got happy birthday's from the Tricycle. Two of which were pretty much at the same time. So one told the other. One told me to do whatever my heart wishes. I find it ironic she said that while I was sitting in the movie byself. That being alone was my heart's wish. I don't know if I'll tell her now that it's July 3rd and is no longer my birthday. Well... at least in my time zone. Haha.
But that's about it. I suffered depression and ended with laughs and a swig of Johnny Walker, which was utterly unpleasant.