Things Just Keep Changing

I don't confide my relationship with Scott with anyone other than whomever reads this stupid blog of mine and of course, Scott. I fear judgement. People want monogamy and they think other people should want it. Hell, sometimes I want it, but most times, it doesn't bother me, so long as it isn't a secret.
I dislike not knowing how he feels about the other women in his life. Yes, women. We had a meeting of sorts planned today. I'm unsure if you'd call it a date. Yesterday, I'd asked him if it was or not. He said that if it was, he'd have three girlfriends. I asked him who the third was. He told me that it'd be me. I'm utterly confused. And honestly, I don't want to think of myself as his girlfriend. I don't really want to be just his. I don't know if he expects monogamy from me, I bet he does, but I just don't think that's fair of him, if he does that is. I'm obviously not getting monogamy from him, so how can I think of myself as his girlfriend? We're lovers. In college, if I get asked out on a date and the guy is likeable, why not? It's not a relationship, it's just a date. If there's a second date, why not? I'd like my first date, considering the thing today with Scott got cancelled. A month or so ago, Scott apologized to me for not being able to be with everyone and love everyone(by everyone, I mean everyone he loves/cares for), like he wants to. Things have changed since then. He told me that he loves me, just the other day. I didn't say it back, because I've always wondered if I'm capable of loving someone else. I think I am, and I also think that that's good enough for me, because I think I love him too, but I have no intention on telling him until I figure out how to deal with the sadness. The sadness of being a secret. The sadness of knowing that he keeps secrets. The sadness of the lack of monogamy, because polygamy is so much more annoying and complicated. Monogamy is easier to deal with.
Right now I'm really sad I don't get to see him today, because last night he got to make out with his new girlfriend, granted he told me that she wasn't that great of a kisser, but still, she got to spend time with him. Last Saturday, I saw a shooting star. I only wished for happiness. It's vague, but in that wish, I thought of Scott. I don't care if you're not supposed to tell what you wished for, because at the moment, the exact opposite has happened. I'm not sad because I'm jealous. I'm sad because I never get to see him. Since graduation, I've only seen him once. It's not his fault today got cancelled, but I can't help but feel sad.
He can't wait for college, so he can hold me in public and call me his. I can't call him mine, because it's not true. It doesn't seem fair, but it's not so unfair that it bothers me. It's how I knew our relationship would be, from the start.
I hope no one thinks I'm desperate enough to cling to a polygamous guy just to get laid and have all those experiences girl dream about, kissing, dating, spending time together. I'm not. I just want to be with the guy I've always really cared about, the only guy I know I can be completely open with. But we just keep missing each other somehow. And yeah, it's not normal, how this all came about, but there's no such thing as normal.

Drivers Ed

I know.
I'm lame.
I'm 18 and today... well yesterday technically... was my first day of drivers ed. I need to get my diploma soon too, in order to get my permit. Mind you, I did graduate, on the reccomended program too, with a 4.125 GPA. At my graduation, when we walked the stage, they gave us the diploma cover right? And after the whole ceremoney where we're dismissed, it was insanely hectic because they made last second changes. I had no idea who to get my diploma from. It was idiotic. I was pissed. I was going to pick it up on the next weekday, but I was so worried over a trip I was supposed to go to that day that I never got it. And I still haven't. I know. I'm an idiot. I'll get it this week though. Probably Wednesday.
Anywho, drivers ed! It sucks. It's really boring and intensive. I'm pretty sure that the first day's the worst. I have no idea what tomorrow holds. But I have something to entertain me! For 2-3 hours a day. Plus homework. Which I'm doing now. It's funny.
What sucks is that I know I'm going to miss two days of class because I have to go to orientation. I have to make up those days during another cycle though. -sigh- I have no idea when that'll be, but I'll get my license. At some point. Hopefully before I start college. And then I'll get a car with a GPS so that I never get lost. But I have no idea when that'll be haha.
Drivers ed blows though. I'm pretty sure I'm the oldest and I'm ashamed of that. I suppose it's not so bad. I'll get through it so long as I don't mope.
I have to be positive for myself. That's something I have to learn and make a habit of, even though my natural habit is to do the exact opposite.
I wonder how this drivers ed thing will go for me. Will I make friends? O.o Who knows? I highly doubt it though. But who knows?
That's all I have to say today. I'll probably post everyday. Like a diary. I hope I can keep up with this though.