Stress upon Stress

I've been getting horrible migraines and falling asleep in class. It's not the first time I've had such episodes. Stanley told me to go to the doctor. I'm not insured so I always held it off. However, there is a doctor's office on campus so I scheduled an appointment. I saw Dr. Shelton yesterday. It was the first time I was at the doctor's in years. In fact, the only time I absolutely know I was at a doctor for my own needs was when my mom was giving birth to me. I don't remember any other time I was at a doctor for my own needs any other time.
I spoke with the doctor about what was wrong. He was a very casual, old man. He asked if I woke up with migraines. I do. He asked me to describe my sleepy spells, if I'd lost weight, if I snore and so on. Dr. Shelton said that it could be a few things. Sleep apnea is the most likely, since I seem to fit those symptopms perfectly. Sleep apnea is when you stop breathing while you sleep. He said it could also be my thyroid slowing down and depleting. I had blood taken for some lab work.
The doctor recommended that I exercise everyday for 30 minutes and drink coffee in the mornings. So today I had a cup of joe and did an exercise DVD of my roommate's. It kind of kicked my butt but it wasn't so bad.
I see Dr. Shelton again next Thursday. I don't know what to think. If I have sleep apnea, it will cost 2-3 thousand dollars to just test. I'd have to go to a sleep lab, they'll put a bunch of patches with sensors on me and watch me sleep. And if I do diagnosed with it, I'd have to wear a mask or insert a mouthpiece to keep me breathing at night. I fit the symptoms really well.
Although, Dr. Shelton wasn't very specific with the thyroid issue either so I'm not sure what to Google when he said that. So, very possibly, I could fit those symptoms also. Who knows?
This whole "what's wrong with me?" is just adding onto me being so behind in my work. I hope to get caught up though.
Did you know that warning signs of migraines, a symptom of sleep apnea, are mood swings and craving sweet or salty foods?
Last night I got so sad I cried but not too long after, I was perfectly fine. And today I munched on salt and pepper chips.
I don't know. Maybe I'm paranoid.
I don't like not knowing. I was comfortable just thinking that it was normal, that it wasn't a big deal.
Whatever, I suppose. Nothing I can do now, no turning back. I'll have my friends and Stan on my ass if I don't follow through with this.

Swirling About in this Whirlwind

There is so much going on right now. I'm really behing on a lot of my work. Hopefully I'll be able to catch up these next two weeks. I have five posterboards to decorate in relation to various commonplaces. Ah English, you are enjoyable. At times...
I have a lot of chapters in Political Science since I stopped reading after a while. I also have reading in History to do so that I can keep up with class. I have a project in Communications to achieve, but thankfully, I have a partner to help me out with that.
So much to do and so little focus! I need help focusing because I end up going off on one of my daydreams or thoughts, but I can't seem to stay focused.
On top of that, I'm having trouble staying awake during the day, whether I thought I had a good night's sleep or not. It's becoming really hard on me to stay motivated and do my work as opposed to just going to sleep.
Hopefully, the weekend will cure it all up, I'll be rejuvenated and I'll jump right back into work.
Stan and I seem to be moving fast. We've talked about moving in together. Not seriously, but more like how much we'd like it if we didn't have to leave the bed after sex, or spending nights together or just waking up to each other. I'd love that, I really would and he wants it too. But we've only been together for a little more than a month. School is hard enough. I have such problems focusing that homework with just him texting me takes me forever. If we lived together, it'd be impossible. It's just too soon.
Also, he hopes that one day, we'd get married. Not any time soon, maybe when I finish college, but one day. I could see myself being with him, until the end of time. But still, it's really early to be thinking like that. Honestly, I've wondered if I've really found my soulmate so young. And I think I have. Logically speaking though, we still have a long ways to go before we're truly ready for married life. I'm only 18 and he's 21. I plan on getting my master's degree so I'll be 24 when I'm done with college. Then I have to find a job to support my brothers and I. Only when could I accept maybe tying the knot.
It's a long ways to go for the both of us. Maybe, though, it'll all work out.
Hopefully we stay together. I'd really like it if we did.
I couldn't imagine being with someone other than him.

Lovebirds

Friday was our one month anniversary. It's not that important to either of us really. I sent him balloons though, just to be thoughtful.
Stan came by Friday, not too long before my roommate left to go home for the weekend. Lexy, my roommate, left that afternoon. Stan and I had sex, like we normally do. And we cuddled. We kissed more than we ever had before. Sometimes he'd say his heart skipped a beat. Stan said that when you're heart skips a beat, it means you're nervous. I asked him why he was nervouse. He said that he didn't know. I knew why though. I knew he wanted to say that he loved me. I didn't tell him I suspected though. I just kissed him, hoping it'd make him feel better.
That night we used our last two condoms and then went to eat. It was already 9 o'clock at night. We went to pick up some more condoms at Walmart though. He was tired though. He told me that when he came to visit on Thursday, he fell asleep while driving. It scared me. He called his mom and let her know that he was spending the night. Not only because he was tired, but because he wanted to be with me.
We had sex one more time before falling asleep together, naked and on the floor. Well actually he had his boxers on. Around 5 AM, he went to sleep on the couch because his leg fell asleep. I stayed on the floor. When I woke up, I put my blanket on him and took a shower. When I came back, he was still sleeping. I got dressed and kissed him on the cheek. He smiled in his slumber, which made me smile. I sat next to him on the floor and started doing little abstract doodles. Stan woke up. More cuddling, sex, talking, laughing and napping. We didn't leave my dorm until 3:30 that afternoon. We left to see a movie, a scary one. There were some parts I couldn't watch. We came back to the dorm, so I could use the bathroom. Why he didn't stop at a gas station, I don't know haha, but we ended up having sex again so it didn't really matter. Both of us noticed that we felt weak. It was probably because neither of us had eaten all day, other than the popcorn at the movies. We'd finished, we cuddled and then left to eat.
I never cease to surprise him when I tell him I haven't been somewhere. Last night was my first visit to the restaurant On the Border. He took me back to my dorm. He had to go home. Still though, we sat in his truck, kissing and touching. He told me he was nervous again, that his heart skipped a beat again. I told him, as if I didn't know intuitively, that it might be because he's denying something or is afraid. After a little bit, he told me he knew why he was nervous, but he was afraid of what I'll say. We touched foreheads. We talked a bit about different things. I remember telling him that I had feelings for him before we slept together. I also remember him saying that he's afraid because of the timing, he thought it was too early in the relationship to be feeling as strongly for me as he did. He was afraid to tell me because the last time he fell in love, it hurt him so horribly. I told him it'd kill me if I hurt him like that. I moved to be closer to him and held his face as our foreheads touched. I told him that I loved him too. I told him that we don't have a normal relationship because we started out as friends with benefits, very intimate ones at that. It's different, timing is different.
It's nothing like Scott, when I was afraid to tell him those same three words, not because of nervousness, but because of doubt. Or when Scott told me those words, a negative feeling came across me.
With Stan, I just wanted to kiss him, and hold him. Later that night, we were texting and when he told me goodnight, he added at the end "I love you." I just smiled and my mood rose.

Harder Than I Thought

Balancing school and a boyfriend is hard. I suppose for me it is. I know a girl who worked, had a boyfriend, played basketball and was amazing in school. She was my valedictorian. She was beast. I think it's a good thing that I have a boyfriend and I'm in school. It was different from when I went to school with my boyfriend, I just saw them at school and that's how we bonded. Stan and I don't get to see each other all that much and that's ok. It makes handling school easier.
I kind of fell behing in my school work already but I caught up. I just have to do schoolwork every night so that I don't have to do any of it on the weekends.
Today's post though, isn't completely about Stan and college. Tonight, whilst on a date with Stan, my mother called. She called about my brother's homework. She complained that he didn't listen to her, that he doesn't understand anything she says and that he didn't tell her about his homework until tonight. I told her to give Tanner the phone. I threatened to break his laptop and hit him if he did it again. I was angry. Not completely about him, but how my mother handled it. As I spoke to my mother and brother, Stan gave me this look and stroked my arm. I hung up and he asked if I was ok. We talked a little about my mom. How she wants to leave to go back to the mother country, which she will be in 6 years, permanantly that is, how she tells my mentally challenged brother, Lance, that she hates him. Stan said that he should be happy here, with her family, not half way across the world. I looked at him and said that it was her family making her suffer. A year ago when she went to visit the mother country for the first time in about 12 years, the month before she left was the happiest I'd ever seen her in the longest.
I felt bad about not staying at home to help Tanner. He's only ten and I'm afraid he won't be raised properly by my mother. Stan told me that Tanner had me and that I just handled it. He meant it as though that I could discipline him from an hour away from the phone. I hope I can. He needs me. My mom isn't my mom anymore and my brothers aren't my brothers. All three of them are my kids now. And I'm in college trying to get the education to support them. Stan said he felt sorry for me, because I shouldn't have to take up responsibility for my brothers as if they're my kids. He said I should be happy. I think about it and I think, why can't my parents be happy too? That's why they're leaving us to go to the mother country, to go back where they were happiest.
I shed some tears right there in the restaurant. It was the first time I cried in front of him, other than tears of laughter. After we left, we leaned against his truck and talked a little more. I started crying again. On the drive back to my dorm, he made me laugh like crazy. We hung out in my dorm and we laughed even more. I felt better.
I think Stan still worries about me, because of my family situation. But he didn't leave until he was sure I was ok.
He is the sweetest to me.
Even so, I really wish I wasn't the mother of three.