One Eight

17:
10 o'clock curfew, no ID, no driving skills whatsoever, not very happy, but should be at least content, disappointed in family, disappointed in friends, always sitting alone in my room, missing human contact but lacks initiative.
That was yesterday.
Today I turn the big one eight, 18 baby.
And you know what, it's exactly the same as 17.
I feel like crying. Why? Because I'm a whiny brat who always wants more than what she deserves.
I'm eating out with my sister today.
The same thing we do every year.
I don't want to. I don't want to do anything. I'm currently in my "I don't care" depression.
I just want to mope in the solitude of my room and cry.
I hate how American culture makes turning 18 so grand and amazing, because it only makes me sad that my 18th isn't up to par. I'd like to be at least happy.
I went to watch The Last Airbender. By myself. My excuse? I wanted to see a certain showing and it literally ten minutes from starting. It's true. But my reason? I didn't feel like making contact with anyone. A lovely side effect to my "I don't care" depression. No matter how much I want someone to notice my duress, I block off the world only to disappoint myself more. I'm a self-destructive soul.
My sister's here right now. I don't know why she and her family came over. Yeah, it's my birthday, and that's the reason. But I dont' see the point. I dislike her husband. So it only adds to the pointlessness. I don't think she knows that I do though.
^^ That was me about four hours ago.
I'm in a better mood. Still disappointed that I never got that ID. There's no point in being 18 unless you can prove it. Why I didn't get it? My friend decided since that I'm finally going to driver's ed, she wasn't going to take me.
I don't think she realized that she ruined my whole day by doing that. I understand that I'll get my liscence in 3-4 weeks, but today is my birthday, and the only 18th I will ever have.
Another reason I've started to alienate my friends. I'm not honest with how much they hurt me or disappoint me. That's my own fault though. I'm a liar like that.
Anywho, my uncle came over. He lives a few hours away so I don't see him much. I ended up making my own mood better by picking up my 11 month old nephew, taking him to my uncle and telling him that the baby was mine. He was utterly surprised. I couldn't stop laughing. I just needed a good laugh to make everything better.
I still cried afterwards though, due to the disappointment. I'm emotional. I'm on my period. I got to find that out today. How lovely, I got a birthday present from mother nature.
Both sisters, the brother in law that I like and I ended up eating at a somewhat high class Japanese place. I got surprised with a sparkler on a cake. It was awesome.
I hate how I couldn't liven up until the very end. I was sad pretty much all day until about 9 o'clock at night. I cried three or four times. I spent about two or three hours, combined, in a dark room or closet by myself. To mope and wallow in my sorrow.
I really need to be more positive. It's hard to change that about myself. It's like what I breathe is negativity.
In the end, I'd say my birthday was ok. A lot of disappointments, no presents (not to be materialistic or anything, but I hardly ever get presents on my birthday), about $40 bucks, 20 of which for the movie I watched by myself, and a really nice dinner.
I got happy birthday's from the Tricycle. Two of which were pretty much at the same time. So one told the other. One told me to do whatever my heart wishes. I find it ironic she said that while I was sitting in the movie byself. That being alone was my heart's wish. I don't know if I'll tell her now that it's July 3rd and is no longer my birthday. Well... at least in my time zone. Haha.
But that's about it. I suffered depression and ended with laughs and a swig of Johnny Walker, which was utterly unpleasant.

First Post

So... this is the third blog I've made. I've already deleted one and am about to delete the other. I tend to lose interest quickly. Just call me HL or H.L. or Aych Ell or other variations of it haha.
I've called this blog "The Lonely Stalked Stalker" because I think it somewhat describes my current thoughts. I facebook stalk people all the time, though currently, my facebook has been deactivated. Why? Because I find it's easiest for me to get over drama or being hurt by friends to to completely block contact with them.
I had these three friends, they were great, lots of fun. Two of them where guys, one a girl so it was always the four of us. One of the guys worked at a movie theatre so we always watched movies for free almost every week, sometimes more than one movie at once. About two weeks ago, we all went to a neighboring state to spend three days at a teacher's cabin. That's when I finally realized what state our group was in. The four of us had become the three of them. I felt completely left out. When we got back in town, we went to see a movie. My dad got upset because I told him that we'd be home sooner than we had ended up being. We left later than intended. I then promised I'd be home in 30 minutes. The movie ended 20 minutes later. I'd asked my friends to drive me home. The other girl laughed and said she'd never heard me say I'd be in trouble before.
If anyone's reading this, understand that I consider my friends better than me. Harder working, more honest, purer, better than me. Also understand that I do not respect my mother whatsoever. So that's why she'd never heard me say I'd get in trouble. My dad isn't usually home due to his job and since my mother isn't a figure of authority to me, I don't listen to her.
In the end, I got home in an hour. I got a huge lecture about how my friends are bullshit, how he doesn't trust me, fun stuff like that. My dad, despite our opposing views, past drama and heartaches, I still find that what he says truly matters to me. He gave me, a seventeen year old that legally has no curfew, a 10 o'clock curfew, every night, weekend or weekday.
I went to my room and felt utterly upset and depressed. I didn't know if he was right. That my friends didn't care about me as much as I thought they did or if he was wrong to judge them because I've misled them to believe that I don't care about the authority of my parents.
Even if that didn't happen, I'd still be upset because I felt as though I was being squeezed out of my little group of friends. I haven't been happy in a while. I've been letting them affect my mood too much. Even when I deactivated my facebook so I couldn't see that they were still doing things without me. The three of them still hang out without me. I call them The Tricycle. Because of a poem I'd written about them in an attempt to get over my pain. It's called Wheels. It was futile because I'm still allowing them to affect my mood. They still make me sad when I think about them. Perhaps I'm being nostalgic.
Anyways.... back to the subject.... I was talking about why I'd named this blog "The Lonely Stalked Stalker." Oh yeah, I facebook stalk people. I also feel lonely this summer because I hardly talk to anyone. Without facebook, I feel a bit isolated in the world considering I used to be on facebook everyday, all day, of course I'd also be doing other things whilst having the facebook window up. And lastly the stalked part of the title. I'm not really stalked. I joke around with a friend that he watches me sleep at night. That's as close as I get.
I sometimes think that if the right stalker came along, they could totally be my best friend. I have a constant need for feedback, opinions, and to vent. I tend to hold it in because I know people don't need to know everything.
I think that's about it for tonight.
To those who've read, thanks for reading.