Word Vomit Whilst on an Emotional Rollercoaster

Lately, I've been on a poetry binge. Pouring so much of myself into these poems. I posted a particular poem called Screw You and I got a response from a woman, Serah. You kind of have to read the poem for some of this to make sense, or so I imagine. As a person of logic, I find it hard to see emotion is text. As a poet, I find it easy to put my emotions into words. To others, my poetry seems far more powerful than it does to me, but I suppose I'm not the only person to feel that way. Serah told me that from that poem, she sensed that my sense of peace is tied to my lover, to Scott. When I read that, I stopped for a second. I'm sure that reading my previous posts could tell you the same, but she got it from one poem. She also told me to keep what I have with him alive. If it's movies, watch movies together, if it's eating pizza together, do that. And when I read that, I had to stop and think, what do Scott and I have? What is it that bonds us together? We don't really have that. So far, we just have sex, and we haven't even had sex with each other yet. Sometimes, when he's horny or fantasizing, he'll tell me what he imagines doing to me. I kind of like it honestly, but it seems like we talk about that more than most anything else. He told me that he just wants to be with me, but that the desire tends to manifest itself into sex.
I can understand that.
Yesterday, in my sorrow, I posted a status on my facebook, which I later turned into a word vomit. What a word vomit is, is a ramble or sorts, it's a daily practice of writing. You write whatever you want, vomiting out your thoughts into words. It's something I'm going to do on the days I don't write a poem, or so I hope. The purpose of the word vomit is to lose structure, and connect with your words emotionally, allowing flow from your heart to your words.
The word vomit read:
"I feel like a little kid playing with a toy that's broken, but I don't know that it is. I just keep banging at it and tweaking it trying to make it work. Why won't it work?, I whine. Eventually, someone will throw it away. I'll cry because I loved that toy, even if it didn't work anymore. I'll still wonder why it didn't work. Did it need batteries? Was a screw loose? Does it matter? I still love that broken toy.
I wanted to keep it. Keep it with me forever. Who cares if it didn't work? The memories would be enough. I miss it. That broken toy. I wish it was here. So I could apologize for not protecting it. Not playing with it anymore.
I'm sorry, my broken toy."
Scott read my status, which was just the first paragraph, and he told me that he wasn't a broken toy. For some reason I thought it was ironic he said that, and I wanted to know what he thought of me calling him a broken toy, even though I didn't mean it that way, and telling him that I loved him in a facebook status.
I told him that I wasn't calling him a broken toy. It was a reference to our relationship. The broken toy was our dysfunctional relationship. He asked me how was it dysfunctional. I lied and told him that it was me, my inability to understand my emotions in relation to my logical mind and how they clash, which stresses me out. Granted, that isn't a lie, but it wasn't the whole truth in answer to his question. Only half. The other half is that I hate how he keeps secrets and how incredibly vague he is when I crave details. Especially in a situation as complicated as ours, I just want to be able to know and understand everything. I could beg him to explain things, but it will be general, vague, "big picture," and unspecified. And I would be left unsatisfied.
Trust me, I know, because he then had to explain why our plans yesterday got cancelled. He intended to break up with his new girlfriend. I finally learned that he never stopped dating the previous girlfriend, the one who he told me he wouldn't leave for anyone. The only reason he was with this new girl was because she's in love with him, and he could tell how miserable she was. He wanted to make her happy, so he began a relationship with her, whilst dating his previous girlfriend and having me on the side. Insane, is it not?
When he tried to break up with her, he couldn't do it. She pleaded with him, begged him not to leave her, he told me the look in her eyes, the fear, crippled him. I didn't know what to say. He still plans on leaving her, but he has to find a new way that won't hurt her so much. I asked him that when he broke up with her, what would happen then. He told me that he would eventually marry his previous girlfriend, the one too fragile to leave on her own, then one he can't leave. I sent him a sad face. He seemed confused. He thought that it was understood that even though we have something, he can't leave her. I knew this, I know this. I just want him to be happy. And that's what I told him. In response, he told me that that's the reason he has me.
On my emotional rollercoaster yesterday, I was so deeply negative, I wanted to add salt to the wound. I posted a status asking people to tell me if I've ever wronged them, if I've ever disappointed them. In my negativity, I, for some reason, just want to dig deeper into the sorrow, to sulk in all I've done wrong. No one commented. Who would? Scott told me, in chat, that he wasn't disappointed in me. That I made him happy. He said that I don't have to feel for him anymore than I do and that I don't have to tell him what I feel. He told me that our relationship wasn't a broken toy, that I'll see that it isn't and to keep my chin up.
Honestly, all I wanted was a hug from him. I find that hugs are the most comforting thing in the world and that it was all I wanted. But I couldn't have it and that only made me more sad.
Somehow, I am able to make him happy. I seem to be his escape from his fragile women. And yet, I seem to be the least satisfied. I'm unsure what to make of this. I have to be patient, I suppose. In two or three weeks, we'll be leaving for college together anyways, so if not now, it will be then.

Birthday Boy

Today is Scott's birthday. He's still off on vacation. Since the last time we talked, as discussed in the previous post, we haven't spoken since, until today. I told him happy birthday, since I thought it'd be rude not to, even though he didn't remember mine and I don't think I even told him when my birthday was so he has an excuse. He'd told me that his birthday wouldn't be all that fun since he'd be in a car nearly all day. To brighten his day a bit, I decided to send him a picture of me making a funny face, I was biting my lip in it since he said that it's sexy when people bit their lip, granted my expression wasn't all that sexy. His new girlfriend posted on facebook what she had gotten him. A hershey's kiss. Really kind of cute, but again, in my head, it didn't bother me. My heart was beating heart again though. I hate how it's not matching up.
I really don't think I'm jealous of her. I feel bothered. I'm incredibly indecisive with just about everything, but mostly of my emotions. But I don't feel any emotions. I'm not sad, worried, regretful, angry, annoyed. Just bothered.
Some of the ideas I have that pop up into my head seem spiteful. Scott has a thing for the school girl outfit. I had the thought to imitate the look, post it as my profile picture, just to bait him. However I don't have the camera or the clothes so it was a useless thought of mine.
I'm insane aren't I? Clinging to a taken guy who believes that one shouldn't be "taken" until marriage? And I'm not even into long term relationships. I couldn't really stand it. I get bored too easily. But then again, I'm still friends with people I've known for years. Honestly, I've only been in two relationships, I really can't be experienced enough to know exactly what I want and don't want.
I really don't know where to turn from here. I honestly don't mind being with him while he's with another girl, but I think the condition is that I need to know how he feels about her. At the moment, I have no idea how he feels about her. You might say that he obviously likes her otherwise he wouldn't be in the relationship with her, but you could very well be wrong. He didn't leave the other girlfriend because of her fragility. It depressed him how he couldn't leave her, I mean he truly cared and probably loved her, but in the end, he probably didn't love her the the way he did initially.
I know very well that his heart gets torn up a lot, because he tends to like(more than likely, love) more than one girl at once. Heck, when he and I were dating, he liked another girl. My last boyfriend was like that too. I can't say that I understand it, because I'm not as passionate as he is. I can't say that I love anyone, because to me, love should be passionate, but I'm not passionate towards my family, or my friends. I get easily upset with them, but I don't think that proves much with my temper. Back to the point though, I do have a tendency to like more than one guy at a time, but I wouldn't say love, and I wouldn't say that I passionately like them either. I've probably felt the most passionate about Scott, and you see where that's gotten me. A first kiss and a lot of laughs, and a bit of emotional turmoil, but live and let live.
Que sera sera.

Cometh Thine Downfall

Honestly, I don't know if the title for this is grammatically correct, but I'm sure you get the gist of what I mean. If you don't know what thine means, that's ok, I don't either. Stupid to use it, I know, and yet, I'm ok with it.
At this moment, I'm unsure of what to feel. I've said time and time again that with Scott, it's complicated. Well, it just got worse. He's in new relationship. I got to find out via facebook. I didn't say anything about it. I just glanced over it and accepted that it happened. I was completely unaware such a thing was a possibility, not that he can't have a girlfriend, but this particular girl, it too was complicated between the two of them. Well, from what I understand. I debate if I should leave what we have this very moment, a friendship, exactly how and what it is. When I first saw it on facebook, my head was calm and cool. My heart was beating harder than normal. The first thing I did was change my status to something calm and somewhat upbeat, but I wanted out. I wanted to turn off my computer and leave. Still though, my head was cool. I didn't turn off my computer because my status was about jumpstarting my creativity, so I decided to start drawing. I found an image online and tried to imitate it. Soon enough, Scott had the gall to IM me(it's how we normally talk, so those of you who can't stand people who are impersonal as such, it's not impersonal to us) that we needed to talk, but in parenthesis, he said not to be afraid. I asked, "What about?" He replied that I should check my facebook. I didn't need to, obviously. I said that I'd seen it. He replied that I shouldn't think anything of it and that all will be revealed.
My mind was still calm, but that should've infuriated me. I despise vagueness. I simply replied "ok," and that was it. I went on drawing and he was probably talking to his new girl. The sad thing about IM is that the emotion doesn't come across so well. I don't know what emotion I was feeling because my head rules over my heart, yet my head was calm, my heart was beating like crazy, I wanted to turn off my computer, but I was still cool as a cucumber. I don't understand what I felt because my mental state, emotional state, physical reaction and conscious actions seem to all contradict.
I don't understand how he can expect me not to think anything of it. When he comes back from his vacation, I suppose I'll ask him to explain it. I have an issue with confrontation and I lack initiative. Still though, I need to be frank with him. I need to know what exactly happened, with no vagueness, with complete details and specifics and I also need him to know that I'm unsure of what to feel. I need him to know that perhaps it's best we stay friends, where the benefits are nonsexual.
I think it's wrong to say you'll do something, and then change your mind or not do it, unless of course you have a credible reason. That's part of the reason I've agreed to have sex with him, because I said I'd like to make out with him and that it's ok that he touch/fondle me during, also that it'd be ok for him to take it farther, if I was comfortable with it of course. That was before any of the real friends with benefits/affair thing was serious though. I say all this because he told me that he wouldn't leave his girlfriend for anyone. Here he is, gallivanting with a new girlfriend. I'm clueless as to what happened, but ironically, I don't feel betrayed. He had one girlfriend, left her for someone else and here I am, just the friends with benefits to be. Or, at least that's how I see it. Scott gave me nothing to aid me in seeing this from his point a view.
Yes, that's why it was complicated with Scott, he had a girlfriend at the time. Now he has a new one.
He's not a player. He believes that one isn't "taken" until they're married. I think that I'm a bit promiscuous so it didn't bother me so much, but this is... I don't even know the word for it. I'm not angry, betrayed. I'm bothered by it, but not annoyed. Unsettled perhaps is the word. I suppose it's because usually he'd talk to me. I suppose he only talks to me about what he's feeling in regards about me. He didn't talk much about his old girlfriend, but because I felt that it was a sore subject, ergo I never brought it up and he hardly ever did. I suppose the openness we have/had with each other meant only how I feel about him and he I, no one else was pertinent. That's how it was in regards of his old girlfriend and I suppose that how it'll be of his new one. I know little of her, less of how their relationship suddenly came to be, other than I'm not supposed to "think anything of it."
I find that I have completely different writing style whilst I'm in a negative mood. It tends to be a bit more elegant, or from my point of view at least. I feel tingling down my back and arms. It's usually what I feel when experiencing emotional turmoil. How dreadful... I still don't know what I feel, other than unsettled.
I'm left at an unease by someone I've always felt a connection with.
I fear all my plans for college may be foiled.
Perhaps 'tis best this way.
I must learn that Scott's life is his own. It will never be truly intertwined with my own because I highly doubt we'd ever marry. I'm not the marrying type, or so I think as of this moment.
He's his own person. I am my own person. I cannot help but cling though. I always hold onto people who make me happy. Could you blame me?
I set here, typing away. I think it's time to break away from Scott. I hope I'm not speaking too soon, but I'll put away my phone, not go on facebook or any program where I can IM. Time to live and let live.
I change my mind. I'm annoyed now. I'm slightly pissed. I should be more passionate than this, but I suppose I'm saving it up for when/if he explains himself to me.

First Post

So... this is the third blog I've made. I've already deleted one and am about to delete the other. I tend to lose interest quickly. Just call me HL or H.L. or Aych Ell or other variations of it haha.
I've called this blog "The Lonely Stalked Stalker" because I think it somewhat describes my current thoughts. I facebook stalk people all the time, though currently, my facebook has been deactivated. Why? Because I find it's easiest for me to get over drama or being hurt by friends to to completely block contact with them.
I had these three friends, they were great, lots of fun. Two of them where guys, one a girl so it was always the four of us. One of the guys worked at a movie theatre so we always watched movies for free almost every week, sometimes more than one movie at once. About two weeks ago, we all went to a neighboring state to spend three days at a teacher's cabin. That's when I finally realized what state our group was in. The four of us had become the three of them. I felt completely left out. When we got back in town, we went to see a movie. My dad got upset because I told him that we'd be home sooner than we had ended up being. We left later than intended. I then promised I'd be home in 30 minutes. The movie ended 20 minutes later. I'd asked my friends to drive me home. The other girl laughed and said she'd never heard me say I'd be in trouble before.
If anyone's reading this, understand that I consider my friends better than me. Harder working, more honest, purer, better than me. Also understand that I do not respect my mother whatsoever. So that's why she'd never heard me say I'd get in trouble. My dad isn't usually home due to his job and since my mother isn't a figure of authority to me, I don't listen to her.
In the end, I got home in an hour. I got a huge lecture about how my friends are bullshit, how he doesn't trust me, fun stuff like that. My dad, despite our opposing views, past drama and heartaches, I still find that what he says truly matters to me. He gave me, a seventeen year old that legally has no curfew, a 10 o'clock curfew, every night, weekend or weekday.
I went to my room and felt utterly upset and depressed. I didn't know if he was right. That my friends didn't care about me as much as I thought they did or if he was wrong to judge them because I've misled them to believe that I don't care about the authority of my parents.
Even if that didn't happen, I'd still be upset because I felt as though I was being squeezed out of my little group of friends. I haven't been happy in a while. I've been letting them affect my mood too much. Even when I deactivated my facebook so I couldn't see that they were still doing things without me. The three of them still hang out without me. I call them The Tricycle. Because of a poem I'd written about them in an attempt to get over my pain. It's called Wheels. It was futile because I'm still allowing them to affect my mood. They still make me sad when I think about them. Perhaps I'm being nostalgic.
Anyways.... back to the subject.... I was talking about why I'd named this blog "The Lonely Stalked Stalker." Oh yeah, I facebook stalk people. I also feel lonely this summer because I hardly talk to anyone. Without facebook, I feel a bit isolated in the world considering I used to be on facebook everyday, all day, of course I'd also be doing other things whilst having the facebook window up. And lastly the stalked part of the title. I'm not really stalked. I joke around with a friend that he watches me sleep at night. That's as close as I get.
I sometimes think that if the right stalker came along, they could totally be my best friend. I have a constant need for feedback, opinions, and to vent. I tend to hold it in because I know people don't need to know everything.
I think that's about it for tonight.
To those who've read, thanks for reading.